The first time I ever came out was in a tumblr group chat. Well, it was not coming out per se, for I had just discovered that I might have feelings for this girl but I didn't know how to categorize them, so I just wrote a text about this situation, ending it with "does this mean that I'm... bi?". Thankfully, the people on there (if any of you read this - hi!!) were really helpful and supportive and just said I don't have to label myself, that I should just wait and see how my feelings towards this person evolve.

So I did. And they became stronger. So strong, that I figured it would be good to tell somebody I personally know. So I told this girl called Julia, which I had met that same year on tumblr and with whom I went to a concert a few months prior because it felt safe. She had only known me for a bit so it was less scary, I guess. I think I texted her something along the lines of "I might have feelings for a girl".

When I came out to my best friend over the phone, I still couldn't bring myself to actually say the words "I'm bi". Again, I just told her that I caught feelings for someone of the same sex but that was it. Even when I came out in person to what was my first girl crush, I still couldn't form the words. "I think I don't only like men" was what I said. I still vividly remember this because before that, I had been struggling to bring out the term "bisexual" for around fifteen minutes, until I eventually gave up and settled with this.

Why am I writing all of this when I practically already summed it up in my "how I knew I was bi" post? Well, because I have recently become aware of the fact how difficult it still is for me to out myself. Don't get me wrong, when I'm out with my friends, I practically throw in the word "bisexual" so often that you'd think labelling myself as such comes easy to me. But it's actually not. I'm still not out to the majority of people in my life. Yes, okay, for some I have valid reasons, but I think for the most part I'm just hesitant to them possibly, as a result, changing their view of me. Or maybe being a fraud after all, what if I'm straight and I imagined it all, then I would be another stereotypical bisexual who reinforces people's notion that bisexuals don't exist and are actually straight!! (to sum up my thought process)

This has become painfully aware to me when a few guys had flirted with me over the past few months. Afterwards, I always told my friends "this is so silly, I'm not interested in men at the moment anyways" and they were like "well just say you're only into women, who cares". Or how I thought about just sneakily and indirectly telling that dude from my photography class that I'm currently dating someone. Like, I'd just need to say something like "Oh, my girlfriend and I thought about going there, too!" (PSA that we're not girlfriends yet but she's the only one I'm interested in, alas, it is actually not that far from the truth) and last week I had the perfect opportunity to do so but I just. Didn't. I couldn't physically form the words "my girlfriend". Not only because they're not 100% accurate, but because that'd mean that there's one more person knowing about my secret, one more way my road back to "normality" is blocked.

And I know that's fucked up. I LOVE being gay, like I don't wish I could go back to when I thought I was straight. But I'm so terrified of people thinking of me differently because of something as actually unsignificant as my sexuality. And then I become obsessed with that thought and I mentally go through a list of people I know and think about how they would react and how they woud see me and judge me after knowing I'm bi and I just get so stuck. And I wish being proud of who I am would just come more naturally, you know. I don't know.

Maybe I just need to realize that it's okay to be scared, but it's even more important to keep going despite it. To find the happiness you've been searching for. I think.

xxx Sarah