Some time ago, I read a post about how as a woman, you are used to always see yourself from the inside and the outside. No matter what you are doing, you are always thinking about what you look like doing this gesture and what people might think if you say this or that and how this could come off as "bossy" or that as "being a prude".

I kind of forgot about it for a while but I recently started thinking about it again whenever I told myself "don't say/do this, or they will think you're annoying". Like, can you believe (and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there) I constantly have this inner monologue going on, examining my every move and classifying everything as "annoying/too much" or "okay"? And I never even questioned it? Why is it the normalcy for women to talk themselves down all the time to appear "humble"?

Since we are little girls, we are taught that appearance matters. What other think of us matters. And I mean, that's not even just a female-specific thing, everyone of us is aware of how others see us. But I feel like we, as women, are told to prioritize the thoughts and feelings of others above our own. Apologize for taking up too much space. Don't speak your thoughts, or else you might scare them away. You're not worthy of love, you have to prove yourself to be worthy of it. Maybe it comes from the whole "the princess gets saved by the prince and that's it, you cannot do it yourself" thing. Like as if everything depends on being loved by someone, and if you don't have it, you live a miserable life.

Obviously, times are changing and there are more progressive movements nowadays. But I still feel like girls are told to shrink themselves to make men comfortable. We are supposed to blend into the background instead of being the center of attention, because otherwise we are needy and no one would want a woman like that.

Maybe I'm diving too much into philosophical questions here, and I sure cannot blame the patriarchy for all of my insecurities, but I feel like it helps to acknowledge that some of the self-destructing thoughts I'm having are influenced by how society sees or rather wants to see women. Whenever I'm telling myself I'm "annoying" or "too much", I stop and think about whether that is actually true or whether I have just been taught that being myself deserves no space in society. When I express my thoughts, and I'm later scolding myself for doing so for probably being "embarrassing", I try to tell myself I'm not, and that I am allowed to let people know how I feel. Whenever I am scared or moody, I allow myself to express those moods, to tell people I'm interacting with that this is what I'm feeling instead of swallowing my hurt down so as to not "burden" them with my feelings. Your feelings are never, EVER, a burden. No matter what your head tries to tell you. And if your loved ones try to tell you that, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. Because the right people will understand you, or try to understand you. They won't leave you stranded just because of who you are. You do not have to be "mysterious" to seem appealing, you do not have to hide the beauty of your inner emotional world. Because it IS beautiful. I have come to learn that.

I deserve to take up space. I deserve to voice my opinion. I deserve to express my feelings and not have to justify them, because other people don't get to have a say in whether you should be hurt or not. If you are hurt, no rational reasoning why you shouldn't be can change that. I'm not too much, I'm an entire fucking universe and the people who are not ready to handle its beauty don't deserve a space in my life.

If you take anything away from this ramble/me expressing my muddled thoughts post, let it be this: Next time you are putting yourself down, ask yourself whether what you are saying is actually true, or whether it's just your attempt at trying to shrink yourself to make others more comfortable. Our inner monologue only remains a monster if we do not learn to turn it into a dialogue.

xxx Sarah