I don't know about you but I feel A LOT. like a lot a lot. And all of the time. I cry easily, I get sad over small things but also feel extreme joy when good things happen. And on top of that, my mind is like a hamster running in his wheel, just like 24/7.

Because of that, I have spent most of my life not sharing the entire scope of my feelings. Whether that was downright lying and saying "I'm fine" (I've lost count of how many times I've said that tbh) or making up some other excuse or dodging questions or just withholding information when I was asked. I think I might have talked about this in some year recap post on here, too, and that it was my resolution (and has been for a long time) to learn to be more honest end upfront with my emotions despite being so scared of it leaving me vulnerable.

Because there's indeed a vulnerability in sharing your uncensored mind. And too often - an experience some of you guys probably share - when we actually step out of our comfort zone and tell others what we are dealign with, we are being ridiculed or the other person just does not get it at all. And then we retrieve even further, we tell ourselves "see, this is why I hide my feelings, it's for the better" and it becomes even more seldom that we have the courage to open up to someone.

And then, as most of you know, I got into a relationship. And by doing so, it was time to acknowledge my unhealthy behaviors and actively trying to work against them, if I did not want to risk losing someone so incredibly right for me. Sure, a *lot* of my past heartbreaks were results of me just straight up falling for people who were extremely toxic and not good for me. But that's not the entire picture. I started to recognize that my own anxiety when it comes to relationships and my refusal to tell others when something hurt me, or even just my refusal to share my anxiety with them so that they'd know why I react a certain way sometimes, also damaged the potential right from the beginning.

So I started just telling the person I am with about whatever is taking up space in my mind. Instead of just making frustrated tumblr posts (though I do love chatting about everything with you guys). And yes, I know that I'm lucky, being with someone who makes opening up seem like a nice walk in the sun instead of a legitimate rabbit hole, someone who never judges me for what I'm feeling. But the point is, if you meet someone, and you do not even try to open up to them, to see how they react and if they would be a positive influence in your life, you never know. You could either know much sooner if something isn't right, or you could end up missing out on building a profond relationship with someone because of your anxiety.

And this doesn't just apply to romantic encounters. Two years ago, my best friend and I got even closer and now we just talk to each other about everything. And it's such a relief to be honest. Before that, I think we were both scared to a certain extent of how the other person would react, but now we share an even deeper bond and there's not a day that goes by without me being grateful for having her in my life. Now, imagine if we hadn't taken that first leap. We'd still be best friends, for sure, but we would have missed out on reaching this "next level" of friendship, a level on which you have this one person with whom you never have to filter your thoughts. And, like I said, I can only describe it as a huge relief.

So if you take anything away from this ramble-like post, let it be this: It's always worth opening up to people. Don't let your anxiety tell you otherwise. Try it out. The worst thing that could happen is that you can finally and easily sort out the toxic people in your life.

Until next time,

xxx Sarah