To start it off, I genuinely never thought I would reach a mark like this, ever. Like I so vividly remember being 14 and thinking, okay I’m gonna start this journey but I don’t truly believe I will actually be able to keep going. Yet here I am. Huh.

I feel like so much about myself has changed over the past year. I feel like a totally different person compared to back then but also still the same? If that makes sense. When I read through last year’s post this morning I felt kind of estranged by it but at the same time I can definitely recall how I was feeling last year. (btw, if you want to read through each year’s post, here are some links: 2019 2018 2017 2016)

Okay, enough nostalgia, here’s some stuff I was struggling with over the past year and new things I’ve learned.

The past year has been a year of many changes for me. First of all, I had to let go of someone who for a long time really supported me through difficult times, but changed and left me feeling bad about myself. It has actually taken multiple attempts to finally cut things off, and while I do feel sad and angry about it quite a bunch of times, I know it was the right decision in the end. And I’m proud of myself for pulling through with this, for finally standing up for my self-worth for once. Because I deserve more than people who treat me shitty.

Moreover, this quarantine time has really taken a toll on me and my mental health. I find myself obsessing over the way my body looks in a way I genuinely have never before since I barely move outside at the moment. I’ve also had some really, really dark days. What helps me get through it is focusing on my uni work and regularly exercising and going outside.

I’m getting more and more comfortable with my sexuality. I’m out to my parents now, and while sometimes their homophobic behavior really wears me down, I know I can get through it because I have the most amazing friends who support me as much as they can. Honestly, so many of them have offered to let me stay with them in case my parents react extremely negatively and I’m so, so thankful for that. (I actually still get a little teary-eyed when I think about that)

But probably the biggest change, the one that truly changed my life completely, was my girlfriend. It’s kind of funny, because you can plan for things like falling in love as much as you want but then you still end up finding it in the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected of times. In retrospect, we both chose actually the worst time to fall in love with each other, but it still worked out. Because we both wanted it to.

And honestly, just being around my girlfriend has made me more confident. She is really confident herself, and I admire that so much about her, that it makes me want to go outside of my comfort zone more. She also opened me up to the world of fashion omg! I mean, of course I was a little bit interested in it before, but I’ve never really consciously used fashion to express myself and even though I’m still at the beginning, it’s so much fun already and it really boosts my self-confidence to wear something I feel like I look great in.

As I’ve never been in a relationship before, I had to really closely examine my behaviors and habits and recognize toxic behavior that I have used in the past when it came to love and actively work to better myself. One of such things is communication. Perhaps you know how long it took me to really learn that it’s okay for me to tell others about my problems and my feelings, that I’m not a burden for doing so. With her, I realized that when it came to romantic encounters, my “strategy” with dealing with arising problems was mope about it on here but never actually talking to the other person and communicating my issues and working through them. But this time, I really wanted things to work out so badly, so now whenever I feel upset about something, I just tell her. And we talk through it. And most of all, she doesn’t mind that I sometimes overthink stuff and might interpret things wrong, she always is the epitome of patience and love and that is honestly so refreshing.

And through her eyes, I start seeing things that I thought were my flaws in an entirely new light. For example, she likes that I think so much about stuff and thinks it’s actually cute that I always have the need to always express my feelings at all times. I used to think I was “too much” for people, that I have to stop feeling things so intensely and that people will only find that annoying. Now I know it is my biggest asset. And that has also changed my relationship to other people, as I have noticed that it’s okay to just freely express my feelings because the right ones will always understand them, and you might feel even closer to them. She makes me bold and brave and these are two adjectives I never would’ve used to describe myself before.

So, this was my past year. I don’t know in what mental health state I will be this time next year, this time in three years, in five years. But maybe that’s also the fun about it. The unpredictability of where you’ll end up and what you will have learned.

Thank you to anyone who has ever sent me messages cheering me up when I was feeling down. It means more to me than words could ever express. Thank you. I love you <3

xxx Sarah