I want to start this off by saying, again, sorry for not posting so much, I haven't really felt inspired lately I guess but the topic of this post is something that has been and still is on my mind and I thought posting about it on here might help me sort through my thoughts (& help others who experience similar things).

So, when I was a kid, not being straight was never really an option for me. I personally wasn't homophobic, but as you guys know my mum was (and still is), so I never really ever questioned myself in that way. I think I was 13 or 14 when one of my favorite German youtubers came out as bisexual and the first time I heard that term something just clicked for me, but again, I figured I would already know if I wasn't straight.

So I'm not gonna reiterate the entire story of my coming out again, since I already made a post about this on my blog. Long story short, I realized I was bi and I was okay. It took me a little while after I first started seriously thinking about it but then I was 100% positive about it.

Last year, I met my now girlfriend. And although I had thought "maybe I'm not bi, maybe I'm just secretly gay/straight" before, these intrusive thoughts increased during this time. I saw the realities of what it is like to really date a girl and while it was beautiful, but it also increased my anxiety. It was like this realization that dawned upon me that this coming out process will never end for me and I will always live with the fear that every new person I meet could end up hating me if they knew I wasn't straight. Like, I will never be able to escape that. And it really messed with my head.

I recently watched "Love, Victor" (which you might have seen by the numerous posts I made about this show on tumblr oops) and at some point Victor says "maybe I can be normal and happy" and "I just don't want my life to be this hard" and it hit me SO hard because I have had these thoughts so so many times lately. Like, I'm bi, so why don't I just fall in love with a guy instead, I mean I truly do have it easier than gay people, I could just choose to be straight and then everything will be fine and... You see where I'm going. I didn't even realize my own internal biphobia, which was me constantly telling myself that I cannot be bisexual or live my identity as such.

It also doesn't help that I have spent the past three or four months at home. My dad doesn't really talk to me about my girlfriend (though he seems relatively chill about it) but my mum is telling me at least once a week that homosexuality is a work of the devil and you can imagine what this does to your mind, even if you rationally KNOW that it is not true. Whenever she says this, a tiny part of me just wants to throw everything I worked on so far away and just pretend I'm straight because it's just easier and I don't have to disappoint anyone. My mum also constantly insinuates that I should keep my sexuality a secret for the rest of my life. And I don't even know why I comply with that but I do, out of fear to be rejected by everyone I know. But isn't it necessary to be brave sometimes to live your best life? I always try to recall Taylor's words in her ELLE magazine article, when she said "We have to live bravely in order to feel truly alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears". I still try to find a way to work around that, to internalize this tought of "it's okay to be who I am and I do not need to hide to make others more comfortable".

What I'm trying to say is overcoming internalized homo- or biphobia is a lifelong process. We live in an inherently heteronormative society and we have to actively make an effort to question and change this belief system. Not only allies, but also we as the lgbt community ourselves. There might be days where we feel proud of who we are but sometimes we might cave and hate ourselves for it again. And I just want to say that that's okay. It's a rollercoaster rather than a staircase, it isn't possible to ever reach a point where we never, not a single day, sometimes think that it'd be better if we were straight. All we can do is keep pushing and keep getting off the ground again and reminding ourselves that we deserve a good life. We deserve happiness. We deserve love. Even and especially when we don't believe in it ourselves.

xxx Sarah