Find a life of your own.

(yeah, I know, long time no see again - or *insert gif of Madison from American Horror Story saying "surprise b*tch, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me*. I just tried getting my feelings out through writing poetry lately but sometimes it just doesn't feel exactly right so I'm gonna try to post more on here again)

Sometimes I feel as if I am a trainwreck waiting to happen. Okay I know this sounds terribly romanticized and cliché, like the posts we all used to like whe we were like thirteen and felt like everyone around us including ourselves hated ourselves. Or, if you stan Lorde as much as I do, this reminds you of A World Alone, but that's besides the point.

Okay, maybe it's not that I really am but that I regard myself in that way. And I really thought I had gotten over that by now but lately this insecurity of mine seems to creep up on me again similarly to that American Horror Story gif (seriously - it suits so many situations, wow! thank you internet for your endless supply of reaction gifs).

So, here's the thing: I used to have reaally big problems with jealousy within my friendships. And by big I mean gigantonormous problems. Like on one birthday of mine, I went climbing with my best friend and another friend of mine. Mind you, that was at the peak time of my insecurities. But I actually kind of snapped at both of them, because they were getting along so well that I feared that soon they will find that the other one is way cooler than I'll ever be and they'll be best friends and I'll be left behind. I know it's stupid, but that's how my teenage brain worked. And although I comparatively got better at handling this jealousy, it hasn't vanished completely yet. I always want to be everyone's closest friend somehow and that's so dumb because the other way round, my closest friend is and always will be my best friend - talk about double standards. And I still feel this pang of jealousy whenever I introduce one of my friends to another one, as if they're now going to leave me. I actually talked about this with my best friend recently and she said that she had the same issue but by now she has accepted that she can't be everyone's closest friend and somehow that made me feel a little bit as if we're talking about a race and she's right at the front while my knees still give up after just a couple of metres of running.

And, to come to the title of this post, it's probably still because of my thoughts about myself. I know I am pretty weird (not like, Jughead in Riverdale weird, like I don't mean it to make myself "cooler" or anything, it's just something I have learned to accept). I know that oftentimes I cannot articulate my thoughts properly, that I'm the clumsiest person you will ever meet and if I don't at least once blush when I'm talking to you, something is seriously wrong. I know I've got issues with being vulnerable, even with my friends, I know I let things get to me too easily and that I overthink more than it's actually healthy, and that I have a complicated family and that sometimes I try to avoid conflicts so much that I actually feel worse about myself. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, it's good to be aware of your flaws, but I do think I am incredibly hard on myself in that way, but I can't turn it off because so many people I thought were my friends actually did just that: left me for somebody who was "cooler" or "more chill" or just everything I am not.

It's an even bigger issues when it comes to relationships. While I have never been in anyone to this date, I do usually overthink every action of every person that ever even remotely flirts with me to the point where I push them away before anything can ever happen. This is especially worse with men. Maybe it's a "you gotta leave before you get left" mentality, to put it in Taylor's words. Or maybe I just watched To All The Boys I've Loved Before too often, or maybe also Pitch Perfect and the scene where Jesse is disappointed in Beca. But back to my point. My point is, that I'm so scared that they are going to leave me, that I put up walls before they even have so much of a chance of getting to know me. Or I just straight up ghost them. And I'm aware it's unhealthy and actually making my life more miserable than it actually should be but I just cannot seem to stop.

That's why I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and have come to the conclusion that while I seem to crave for a relationship, I truly and really wouldn't be ready for one. It's not fair of me to get someone's chances high if I eventually leave anyways because of my anxiety. And yes, that sounds terribly depressing, but I just can't help myself.

Maybe I just need to find a way to healthily deal with my fears. Or realize how stupid they are since I know that my friends love me. Sometimes I just forget to remember it. I don't know. Until then, thank you for coming along on my journey of trying to find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

It's time for my recap of 2018! I just read through my blog posts about 2016 & 2017 on here and I felt so weird because that past me was me but I also feel like I've changed so much the past few months that it couldn't be farther from the current me (if that makes any sense).

My New Year's resolution last year was simply to be content with my life and well.. there has been a lot happening, but as always, I'm gonna file those things into different categoires.

1. family
2018 was a strange year for me family-wise. It started with me realizing or rather accepting that I'm bi in January, and ever since then, I felt a real disconnect especially from my parents. As I mentioned in last year's post, they're Christian and thus in a lot of aspects homophobic and I don't think they would accept it if I told them I liked girls as well. Because of that, this year has really been anxiety driven for me, as I wanted to tell my friends of course, but since my father is really known in our town, I had to be kind of exclusive about it so that it wouldn't reach him. My biggest fears I guess are either being kicked out or sent to conversion therapy. I've gotten many kind anons about it on my tumblr blog, but I still haven't told them and do not think I will any time soon. However, I do feel more okay with it at the moment, or at least as okay as one can be in my situation.

In addition to that, my grandmother passed away at the end of February. It was really tough for me, as no one of the people close to me has ever died before, and as she died in a span of like two days and no one in our family had seen it coming. At that time, my half-brother was visiting and I of course didn't ant to break down in front of him and his wife, especially since the rest of my family seemed fine with it and I felt so guilty for breaking down about it every time I was alone in my room. I actually hadn't even told anyone about it at that time except for my best friend and my drama teacher (for the purpose of rescheduling rehearsals). I felt so alone, since my mum stayed at my grandparents' for like four days straight and I felt like she would be the only one to get what I'm feeling.

Even after the funeral, even months after that, I had a hard time visiting my grandpa. Simply because everything would remind me of her. The kitchen area, the place where she would always sit, her corner in my grandparents' bedroom which still looked as if she had never left. This resulted in me barely visiting anymore, because I would just get so sad I couldn't cope.

It has been hard on my mum as well. She blames herself for the death of my grandmother and she spent as much time as possible at my grandfather's after her mum passed away. My grandfather has been depressive since forever and we were all really worried how he would cope now that he was all alone. But he actually did better than we thought he would. But he, as well, blamed himself for my grandmother's death so it was all a mess, really. Then about three weeks ago, he passed away as well.

I don't even want to recall all that happened during the funeral, with my great uncle/his brother getting a stroke in the middle of it all and how he eventually died because of it as well.

But to end this on a lighter note I guess, both of my halfbrothers are getting kids next year!! So I'm gonna be an aunt and that still sounds very strange to me. I'm very happy for them. Funny, isn't it? How two lives ended but two new lives are beginning.

2. friends
I'd sum it up with "You win some, you lose some". I think I really started to figure out who my real friends were and who only was on my side when I was my happy, bright self.

I was really happy when my friends wrote this text for me in our yearbook because it really captured the essence of me and I didn't think they knew it, since I really keep a lot of things to myself. They were there for me in my happiest moments (when we received the results of our finals and I cried happy tears) and in my saddest (when our prom was over and I legitimately cried for one hour straight in my friends' arms because I was so sad I wouldn't get to see them and my favorite teachers anymore).

Since I've graduated, I've lost a lot of "acquaintances" friends but that's something that I knew would happen so I was okay with it, I guess. What really hit me was my long-term friend I have had ever since we moved here ditched me on my birthday and was overall just really shitty to me. It hurt me, because I invested so much time again and again in our friendship although I knew for years now that she didn't value our friendship the way I did and only was in for the gossip. But that realization also helped me let go of her. I'm not completely over it yet, but I think that with time and patience all things can heal.

But even so, I'm still in contact with a selected few of my highschool friends. We'll se how that goes, but I am incredibly grateful for them anyways.

I think the biggest lesson I've learned this year is that it is okay to be vulnerable. I found it quite funny because in my 2017 post, I mention that I have a hard time opening up to people and how that bugs me. And I think I made a huge step in the right direction this year. The girl I fell in love with (I'll get to that later as well) and I ended up becoming really, really close friends and she really taught me that it is okay to express your thoughts as is. Throught that, I (especially now, at the end of the year) was finally able to tell my friends when something was off, even though it was hard to overcome my fears. And in the end, I always noticed how good I felthaving talked about my issues and that the right people will get you and don't think you're weird or abnormal for your way of seeing things.

3. love
Last year, I only hinted it in my post, but I actually did indeed fall in love with that girl (or rather, I actually already was back then but I was afraid to accept it). Because of it, I had some really really great times, times when I thought she likes me back or just the rush of her asking me to meet up or confiding in me. Of course, it eventually lead to the burn & end when I finally definitely knew she was straight and yes, I was really heartbroken about it for a long, long time but I think I moved past it by now and I'm really grateful for all that it has taught me and all the happiness it has brought me. Falling in love with a girl felt so different and so new, because for once I didn't more or less "plan" it, it just happened and the emotions were so intense that right now, I kind of just miss the feeling of having a big crush on someone. Like the real deal, not just the "they're kinda attractive and kinda nice" but the Gorgeous (2017) by Taylor Swift way, the way in which you are so utterly enchanted by someone that you lose track of all of your surroundings.

Ever since I found out I was bi, I noticed more and more how attractive women actually are and allowed myself to feel that way and it feels so liberatig, honestly.

Then, still in the middle of me getting over the girl, I met a guy. Nice and kind as he was, I at first didn't care at all about him offensively flirting with me. I had the matter settled: I only wanted to be with the girl and if it's not her, I couldn't imagine any relationship with any guy at that point in time. I dreamt about kissing girls, holding a girl's hand and all the other fluff you might imagine. But then, a strange sensation hit me when he ever so lightly touched me and I felt so safe and also as if for once the girl and my feelings for her didn't matter as much anymore. I think you all know how this all ended and that nothing ever happened. Maybe it was my fault for being to caught up with her and pretending I didn't care for him or his, for not speaking up when he had the choice but we can't really change the past, can we? We can only learn from it and move forward, and use our experiences to do better next time.

 4. general state of mind
As you probably know, 2018 has been a heard year for me mental health wise. I've struggled a lot with anxiety problems (and just months of sadness, really) ever since highschool ended 'cause I felt so lost and I, to be honest, still do. But towards the end of the year, I've learned to find a better way to deal with it. I talk with my friends a lot. I go and see a therapist. I try to remind myself that nearly everyone around me hasn't figured it all out yet either. And that it's okay to just exist and take it day by day. Maybe it's just the end of the year optimism, but I'm really convinced that from here on it can only get better. There's only one way, and it's up, right?


aaaand now a new category, yay! drumroll please...

5. my favorite moments of 2018
I know I always say 2018 was one of the worst years of my life and I can't wait for it to finally be over. And as much as this is true (suck my ass, 2018!), I recently started a list of moments or things that were good about this year, to remind myself that although I only wandered in the dark for quite a long time this year, not all of it was all bad. So here's the list:

a) Falling for a girl the very first time (an amazing experience. 10/10 would recommed tbh)

b) Graduating from highschool, having just weeks of amazing activities with your grade, crying tears of joy upon hearing your results and running towards your friend to jump into her arms, driving around the city like absolute mad people waving at others and screaming "we made it!" at the top of our lungs, holding the first version of the yearbook we worked on in our hands, doing the best senior prank our school has ever seen and first and foremost cherishing the time with the people you love

c) Our theatre play and how succesful it was because it was funny af, the applause lasting for so long, our drama teacher telling me that I'm really good at my role although it's a 180 from who I'm usually am, moments with our group, holding hands and calming our nerves, walking around the school knowing you aced this one

d) The books and movies I've read/watched this year, reading Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda for the first time and feeling so incredibly understood, being absolutely hyped for the movie and watching it as often as humanly possible, devouring every single one of Becky Albertalli's books, being so utterly enchanted by a movie called "Your Name" that your entire camera roll consists of nothing else

e) The new music that was released, Troye's new album and getting concert tickets for the tour, Alessia's album & feeling so understood in the struggle of growing up, getting concert tickets for Madeline Juno

f) Days spent with friends, whether that'd be Julia & Josy and screaming Taylor's lyrics at the top of our lungs on car rides or having a really great birthday party with your friends, baking with new and old ones, getting to know new people

PSA: I have decided to start a notes tab on my phone for these kind of things and write them down right after they happen so I don't forget a single one of them.

So what is my resolution for 2019?
As I began to be more vulnerable this year, I noticed that a lot of times I hide things from the people I love. I think it's, once again, the strange fear of not being understood or being laughed at that keeps me from being entirely honest and telling others when something bothers me or I'm feeling down. But I'm honestly tired of always and compulsively lying, when most of the time it actually complicates things further. I often find myself lying for no apparent reason other than a lie being perhaps a bit more comfortable and I can't even think before I already tell it. So for 2019, I want to start being honest about my feelings and thoughts, and stop lying (a goal would obviously be to not lie at all but as that's probably unrealistic, I'd just say the goal is to keep the lying to a minimum).

And now we shall see I guess. I'm pretty excited about 2019 though. I have a feeling that it will be my year. On that note, I hope it is for you as well. And thank you again for all the kind messages I have received this year and the love so many of you all spread. May all of us do better than we ever were next year. Love you lots.

Keep trying to find a life of your own,

xxx Sarah

This feels a little weird to post, not gonna lie, simply because I'm pretty much still in the closet (except for the internet, of course) but I thought about making a post like this for a while now and some of you said they would be interested in it so here I am.

So, hi, in case you did not know, I'm Sarah and I'm bisexual. Or at least I currently identify as bisexual.

I know usually in posts or videos about this kind of topic people usually say the have known since forever but for me it did not happen like that. I mean, looking back, yeah maybe, but I'll get to that later on perhaps.

Being anything other than straight never really occurred to me to be honest as my parents are strictly Christian and therefore don't accept homosexuals. I remember when I was like six, my mum would like complain about this Christian preacher being openly gay and I was like "but where's the problem mum? He just loves who he loves." and my mum was like "No, but being gay is actually a disease that should be cured". And even though she said it, it still never made sense to me why God should love people less because of who they love so I have actually remained supportive of the LGBT community despite various interactions like that.

But, of course, I thought I was straight. I had multiple crushes on boys and by the time I heard about the term "bisexual", I was already pretty settled in that matter. However, about two years ago, I started thinking "But what IF I actually like girls?" but quickly brushed it away because as I said, I hat multiple crushes on guys. Well, technically, from time to time, the thought would still hit me but I always reacted the same, even when, in 11th grade, there were two moments with two different girls that I couldn't stop thinking about.

Then, on the 10th of November (I only know the exact date because it was the day reputation was released) of last year, I was at this party with one of the girls I mentioned in the last sentence. Actually, both were there, but I only interacted with one of them. And at one point we were just standing in this little lobby next to each other, practically all by ourselves and I thought "I wouldn't mind it if you kissed me right now.". I was so shocked by that thought that I quickly pushed it away again, but about a week later, I had a theatre rehearsal with said girl and every time she'd look at me or say something to me, my heart would just go absolutely batshit crazy and I didn't understand what was going on at all.

This state of confusion pretty much held on, with me constantly searching for the girl in every crowd and quite literally relating to the song Gorgeous so hard. Then I just happened to stumble upon this book called Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda and I read it because I saw there was a movie coming out soon and I just remember literally devouring it and on the evening that I finished it feeling absolutely invincible. And I thought "Hey, I think I really do have a crush on this girl, don't I? Does this mean that I'm.... bi?".

You see, I still wasn't sure about the whole thing. What if I told anyone (actually I have told Julia and the controversial pumpkins already but that was something else) that I was bi but then it turned out, after time, that I was just confused and I wasn't actually bi and falsely claimed this label and people would attack me etc etc (basically just my anxiety running wild). But then I found this video on youtube by this girl named Ava Gridley and she talked about how she found out she was bi. And for the first time in my entire journey did I hear someone say "I actually did not always know I was bi" and it felt like a burden was lifted off of my chest because maybe I was normal after all? And the one thing that really stuck out to me was her saying "just wanna tell ya, if you think you're bi then you probably are." and it helped me SO MUCH in terms of accepting myself and who I am.

I know labels ain't shit but I really have this strong urge to fit within a group and I was so glad I finally found a place somewhere.

Of course, looking back there were perhaps some moments which could've indicated this whole thing already but I never really payed attention to those. I recently watched a video of a girl talking about her childhood girl crushes and it made me realize that I loved most of them, too and it made so much more sense to me why I was like literally obsessed with them. Or that girl I met one summer when I was like 9 and we were on this program where we did something like a haunted house and we held hands all the way through it and how I desperately hoped I would see her again whenever I was in town.

The thing is, you don't have to have all the answers yet. Maybe you are still questioning your sexuality, maybe you don't want to label yourself or you do, either is fine, really. You've got a whole life to figure this out and if it changes, don't worry, sexuality is fluid. Perhaps one day I'll say "nope I'm gay" or "nope I'm straight" and that's fine, too. Don't limit yourself. And don't worry if you find out later in life than most people. That doesn't make your sexuality less real or valid.

And, if you're still in the closet like I mostly am, please remember that you are loved and someday you will find the strength to be who you actually are and find people who accept you no matter who you love. And that safety and the feeling of complete acceptance will be the best thing in the world.

Until then, I wish you good luck on the way of finding a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Hey there. It's been a while since I've posted on here, maybe because my inspiration level was on a constant low for the past few months or maybe also because I knew subjects to talk about but didn't know how to phrase it.

But anyways, here I am, once again (in my head I just sang this like the Victorious theme song lol), talking about something that I thought about a lot before falling asleep yesterday.

So, as you might know, I love this book called The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and in it, there's this quote which goes like this "We accept the love we think we deserve". And I honestly truly believe this is true, as when you think you don't deserve love, you are more eager to accept the love from someone who does not and will never treat you right. I could honestly write a whole essay about this phenomenon because I've watched it happen to quite a few friends but that's not the topic of today's blog post.

Yesterday, I started thinking about all the people I sort of had a crush on these past few years and tried to tie them together somehow and I realize that at least on the men's side I fell for people who were either completely unattainable or turned out to be complete douchebags but I kept running after them just because they once showed some sort of interest in me. And then I thought of Lara Jean (from To All The Boys I've Loved Before) again and how she kept on falling for people that were totally out of her reach and she later realized she did it to save herself the heartache.

And perhaps I, unconciously, do that, too. I'm already a person who finds it very difficult to open up completely to others. On the internet that's no biggie, since I most likely will never meet the people who read my posts in real life. But, even regarding my closest friends, I keep things at bay from them. Maybe that's because I find it extremely difficult to voice my feelings in any sort of form verbally but also because I'm afraid they will somehow see me in a different way and - maybe even - won't like me anymore. And so this has kind of transferred into my romantic-relationship-attemps, too. I hold unrealistically high standards against every boy or girl I ever meet and if one aspect doesn't match up, I'm already like "I'm outta here" without giving even giving them a second try.

And I think this is probably because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again since in the past my vulnerabilities have been used against me or were laughed at. But is it really wise to let this ghost keep on haunting me? Won't I miss out on real friendships and real understanding from other and also eventually from real love? Isn't it better to get hurt than to ever have a chance at real happiness, ever?

I know I don't really offer any solution here but I just needed to get these thoughts out, write them down, structure them. And perhaps the initiate process of thinking will help me find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

So. Three years. THREE YEARS. Typing it out alone sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm still on this way. One year felt unbelievable. Two years even more so (the links will lead you to my posts back then). But now I'm at three. And as weird as it feels, it feels also really amazing. Like a reason to be so proud of yourself.

I think I want to continue what I started last year, which is to look back at all that has changed this past year (I actually made another list just like an hour ago because I really didn't have the time to think about it that much up until today because of school and all).

My castle crumbled over night, I brought a knife to a gunfight, they took the crown but it's alright.

A lot of things have changed for the better.

Last year, I was just starting to participate in class, and I would not say I did it more frequently in every subject, but certainly in my French class and I actually got an A for participation this semester which is INSANE, considering that the last time I rightfully got an A was in like 7th grade I think. Although my high school time is over now and I never managed to be participating like a lot, a lot, it is alright. I know I have tried everything in my might and then again, three years in terms of evolving yourself are not that much.

Likewise, I have tried to be more vocal about my opinion. I don't think I'll ever be the loudest of the pack but I started to stand my ground quite a few times and I'm proud of myself for that.

I've also started to explore the space outside of my comfort zone. I have been to a couple of parties without completely feeling out of place and I tried to actively take steps to force myself out of it. For example, for our theatre play this year I chose a role that's really different from my actual persona on purpose, just to challenge myself. And it was really a lot of fun and amazing to find out that I can also play a tough and overly confident role if I want to. Generally, I have been trying to participate more, rather than to stay at home alone every day (though I still thoroughly enjoy doing so a lot).

Honesty was also a huge theme this past year. I have been more honest and open with friends, despite my crippling anxiety. I also tried to find out why I am so hesitant to share my honest feelings and I think it is because often times, others made me feel like my feelings aren't valid or that I'm blowing them out of proportion. But I need to realize that not everyone will treat me like that. It's better to share a secret than have it weighing you down until you crack. In addition to that, I've been more honest to myself, for example concerning my sexuality, which was quite difficult and I'm still not entirely there yet, but I'm trying, and perhaps that is enough for right now.

All of this doesn't mean that I never experience sadness or despair anymore. There are dark days, and days when I question myself, especially concerning school due to my graduation year. I have had a time in December when I was stressed out literally every day and likewise cried as much too, just because exams and due dates were really making me feel as if what I'm doing is not enough. I also barely had any time for myself anymore, which is actually crucial for my happiness as I am an introvert.

At the moment, I also find it quite difficult to express my love for others. Maybe that is because studying has me so self-focused that I'm sometimes losing sight of the people I love. I also find it harder to own up to mistakes in the way of just telling the other person "I'm sorry" (but I try to make it up through acts of kindness). I really want to change in that regard again.

I also still struggle with my face just randomly looking like a tomato and lots of people still completely can't grasp my persona but hey - who cares if the people who make no effort in trying to understand you don't? (but I still need to learn to accept attention in a healthy way, I guess)

To come back to the brighter side again, love-wise I've really been trying to recognize my self-worth and only surround myself with people who treat me right and not like a disposable toy (yes, I'm looking at you, guy from my summer job). And it feels really good actually. It kind of helps to remind myself of "We accept the love we think we deserve" and how each and everyone deserves the best.

My friends are also helping me with that. While I have actually lost contact to a few of them, I have grown closer with people I never thought I'd grow that close to. And I'm so thankful for their love and how they care for me although I don't always deserve it, regarding the way I sometimes forget to take care of our friendship.

Which brings me to you guys. I just want you to know that I still appreciate every single message or reply or like anyone of you ever sends my way when I'm just posting about my sadness on tumblr for example. I mentioned it before but I want to emphasize it again, so many of you are the reason why I am where I am today. And I will never, ever forget about that.

I hope you also never forget that you deserve the best. You deserve all the light in the world, friends who understand you and love. Sometimes it might feel like no one cares for you but that is really not true. I promise you. It cannot, and will not rain forever. I pinky promise. Life moves on. And someday you will be able to do that, too. Keep going. Please.

And at my role model and biggest inspiration Taylor Swift: I love you. You have shown me time and time again that you have to fight, you have to keep going and someday you'll make it to the sunnier side and it will all be worth it. Thank you for helping the little, terrified 14-year-old me believe in life and all its beauty again. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Please know that I would never leave your side.

I hope everyone gets a chance to find a life of their own.

I'm doing better than I ever was.

xxx Sarah

It's been awhile since I posted on here again. I was quite busy actually due to my high school finals but because there's a tiny break at the moment I had the time to think about a lot of things again.

Anyways, I had the idea for this post for like months but I either didn't have the time or just felt like I'm not an expert on this topic, but today I was like, screw it. There's still the possibility that this helps anyone of you out.

So, quick recap, in 2014, when I finally switched classes, I was a terribly shy and socially awkward person with barely any real friends in my grade, let alone in my hometown (I was close with like one girl who used to be in my class but wasn't anymore). Well, technically, I still am that sort of person but I found ways to work around it without having to change my whole persona completely and forcing myself to do things that would make me extremely uncomfortable (such as trying to draw as much attention to myself as possible).

As of today, I have a bunch of acquaintances - something that isn't bad per se because they make school less lonelier - but also found some people I would definitely consider friends. This what helped me:

Ground rule: Be kind to people. And try to stay true to yourself.
I know, I know, you're probably tired of hearing this but from my own experience I can confirm that it really goes a long way. People notice it when you radiate kindness and it will eventually draw the right people to you. (and I promise you don't have to be the most outgoing person ever - I am not myself)

tip no. 1: sit down next to new people
It's as easy as it sounds. Or perhaps you consider this step as difficult but it actually isn't. When I switched my arts class at the beginning of 11th grade, I found myself in a class where I really didn't know anyone well at all. Not even really acquaintance-wise. But there was this girl who was close friends with that one friend I had in 2014 and I always kinda admired her from afar, because she was so confident but also like really nice. So when I entered the class room on my first day I saw her sat down near the front of the room with an empty space next to her and I just went "Hey, would you mind if I sit next to you?" and sat down and that kinda was the initial step that sparked our friendship. Funnily enough, a couple of months ago said friend brought up that exact moment to another girl and was like "Just sit down next to someone! That's how Sarah and I became friends!" and it made me really happy to be honest. (this tip also applies to lunch rooms and anything similar to that)

tip no. 2: join a club
When I joined our school's drama club I actually did it - besides the fact that acting is a passion of mine - because I felt like it would push me out of comfort zone more while also being something that I love. That doesn't have to be acting - it can also be something like a debating club or - if public speaking scares you - a sports club or even something small as a book club. It doesn't matter but the point of this tip is that you'll meet people there who also like the same things as you, as they joined that club, too. Of course you will not get along with each and everyone of them but perhaps some of them, and isn't that enough?

tip no. 3: take part in conversations
Now, this is where it gets more difficult for people as painfully shy as me. But as always, do baby steps: Maybe you're now sitting next to people you like and they talk to their friends and you overhear them mentioning a book you read or perhaps a musician you like. Try to join the conversation with perhaps "Oh, I adore that book!" or "Have you listened to *song of that musician*?". Another perk of this: You'll find out if you have similar interests and hence know great conversation starters.

tip no. 4: sit down next to them on the bus. or if you walk in a similar direction home, ask if you can accompany them.
I actually live quite close to school but I still walk every morning. This resulted in many confused stares and people asking "Why aren't you riding your bike? That would be so much faster!". And while, yes, it would be, the reason why I'm not doing it is that this way I can walk home with my friends. And you actually get to know a person much better outside of the scheme of school. Also: If you find that they are not your type of person, you know that your conversation is limited time-wise, so you'll eventually escape it. (better than meeting up and not knowing when it will be over)

tip no. 5: help other people out
That kinda goes along with the ground rule. My grades in school are generally very good and I find it to be easy to understand our curriculum. Often times, people would come up to me like "Hey, can you please explain this to me? I don't get it at all" so that's what I did.
Actually, the one of the first friends I made in my new class in 2014 was because I a) asked her if I could sit down next to her in French. After our first French lesson of the year, when I was about to go home, she was like "Can I have your phone number? French is not that easy for me and that way you could perhaps help me out with today's homework". So that's what we did.
Another friend of mine mentioned this exact thing to me last year as one of the main reasons why she likes me so much. And you are more or less able to stay within the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Finally, I want to point out that of course it was not only my efforts that established these friendships. I also met some incredibly kind people who wanted to be friends with me themselves and put in a lot of effort in getting to know me, so these tips are perhaps nothing more than a starter for you. But maybe try it out if it works for you, too. And if you fail - don't worry, the right people WILL find you. I pinky promise. You will find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah