After I wrote down this post called "Hugging" I posted a few weeks ago, I realized how therapeutic it is for me to just have this place to write my thoughts down. And right now my thoughts are running, running wild and I just feel like I need to find some sort of order again so here I am.

I wonder if anyone of you feels/felt like this too.

As I once already said, I am a big planner when it comes to love. And having realized that, I started wondering if I really had a crush on certain people if not all I once called my "crush".

Or, at the same time, I wonder if certain people were the only ones I really ever loved and to cite Cailee Rae they're "something like an anchor that won't let go of me" and I would never be able to love someone like they loved me.

For instance, I can't even picture that feeling anymore I had with my first "crush". Every time I see him at school (which already rarely happens) I start thinking "what did I ever like about this person?" even if we were at that time some sort of friends before it all broke apart.

But then there's this amazing boy I met during one of my darkest times. And in hindsight, I know it would not have been the right time for an "us" but that still does not stop me from aching at the thought of what we could have been. He was one of very few that didn't care about rumors and every time he was close to me I felt like he got me. He got that I just needed to be silent sometimes cause I had a bad day. He got my distance while at the same time working towards making it smaller.

The next-to-last time I saw him (which is in my head practically like the really last time) was Christmas two years ago. He walked past me and we shared a look. And sometimes in my sleep, this moment happens all over again and we actually speak the words out loud that we tried to tell the others through our eyes that day. His eyes were some sort of magical portal for me, leading to a  whole new world and I feel like every time they found mine the word stopped for a second and there was some sort of electricity flowing around the both of us.

But maybe I just imagined all of this and I only liked him because he seemed to be into me. Or maybe he was my one shot because I can't help to compare everyone to him although he now has a girlfriend.

Then after that came a boy who made me feel like home and he was the first one who made me forget about the boy I was all over before that. Every time he smiled, my cheeks started blushing and I just felt at ease with the world which was still a rare feeling for me at that time. It started breaking down when I met his truly amazing girlfriend and I started tucking my feelings away and barely ever saw him ever again.

Nevertheless I was completely star-struck all over again when he smiled at me yesterday. His smile caught my eye and the happiness instantly came fleeting back without me even wanting it.

So am I still in love with him? Or was I ever really in love with him (because at some point I also thought I wasn't in hindsight)? And how am I supposed to handle it and to untangle this knot of feelings inside my stomach?

But maybe it's not about finding someone I could love like I loved certain people in my life. Maybe every person contains a different feeling and maybe it's good that it's like this.

The question that's still lingering is how do you know if you really had a crush on someone (if someone of you knows the answer to this or has an opinion on this, please, please tell me. Comment on here or send me a message on tumblr. I'm really struggling at the moment.)? And will I ever be sure I like someone for the sake of the person and not because I feel lonely? Will I ever feel content being single?

Maybe I'll never know. For now, I'm just trying to look ahead and see what the future will hold for me. Maybe it'll make sense then. And maybe I would have found a life of my own by then.

xxx Sarah