Find a life of your own.

2016 is slowly coming to an end and many, many are really delighted about this fact. And I have to say, globally this year was really shit. But I like to review what this year was like for my personal life because to be quite honest, I was terrified of what 2016 might hold for me (but I'll come back to that later).

I'll try to structure this post in four categories: Family, friends, love, general state of mind.

1. Family
As for my family, things weren't always good. My grandpa was in a bad state of health at the beginning of the year and we were all scared that he wouldn't make it. Mind you, he made it and he is fine again and to see him finally being able to smile again and be happy was one of my favorite moments of this whole entire year.

My brother started seeing a therapist but a) I don't really want to talk too much about that and b) I barely know anything about it anyways because he and my mum kind of keep it a secret. However, I hope that next year will be a good one for him and that he makes some really great friends here.

2. Friends
I had a few times when I was really pissed off at my friends, actually only the ones I go to school with. I feel like I still haven't found the right group of friends here because some of them are just so unlike me. For example, some are far too concerned about being popular and others gossip about others all the time and I just can't stand it. Yes, I was like that just a year ago, too, but now it really bugs me out.

But then again, while I started growing apart from most of them when the semester started 'cause we barely had any classes together anymore, the last few months I started growing even closer to people I never thought I would. And so far, I have to say I'm really glad to have those people in my life because they fill up my life with so much love and kindness and that just makes me really happy every day. Also, they make me laugh a lot and some days I really need it.

I met my internet best friend this year which was one of the best days of my life and I wouldn't want to miss it. By the way, I'm seeing her again in just a few days!! I feel like I found some sort of soul mate in her.

I'm also so thankful of my best friend, especially for those nights when we would stay up until 2 am just to talk about the series we watched in our childhood and about the way television has changed so much. Or obsessing over Pokemon, Animes, series, movies, ...

3. Love
Love-wise it wasn't a good year. I started it off with realizing I was in love with a friend of my brother and it wasn't really destined to work out right from the start. It all broke down when I met his beautiful girlfriend and after a phase of really being down and sad, I realized that they really match each other and that I kind of started to enjoy my time alone.

But then I met this boy while being at my friend's and it felt incredible because for the first time I thought there was a realistic chance for us two to end up together. Mind you, it turned out he was a liar and probably more fascinated by what's on the outside than what's on the inside and after realizing that, I felt so much better again. I realized that I deserve more and I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't care about hurting my feelings just like that.

However, I started to look for someone to fall in love with afterwards and tried forcing things that weren't meant to be in the first place. It only started dawning on me that I really don't need a boyfriend when I started really talking with the guy from the beginning of the year. This made me realized that maybe it will someday be possible for me to talk to a guy and just become friends with him without falling in love with him, something that hasn't worked for me for years and years.

4. General state of mind
As I said in the beginning, I was terrified of 2016. Mainly because 2015 was the year I became clean and I was scared I would forget all that I had learnt so far.

But it turns out, once you realized your worth and started getting more and more confident, you can't go that easily back there again, no matter what life throws at you.

I started doing so many things I would have never done just a year ago and I am really proud of myself. I was able to text in group chats, talk to classmates just like that again and I even started participating in class again, something I did all the time before 2014. I began not caring about what my body looked like and being way too concerned about having a certain weight.

And as many people in my surroundings noticed, I'm still not at the top of the mountain but maybe it's about the way. And maybe it's not important that they noticed my improvements, maybe it's enough that I myself acknowledge how far I've come.

Of course it still hurts when people call me shy but that's just their perception and I and you guys on tumblr know what I struggled with and that I'm certainly moving. Not fast, but I do.

So what are my New Year's resolutions?
The years before, especially in 2014, my only wish was to be happy at the end of the year. In 2015 I made it, this year I'm close to.

But maybe I should start setting new goals. I think my specified goal for 2017 is that I indeed end up happy, but also in a way that does not require being in a relationship. I was too busy trying to find a significant other that I started to lose track of the things that matter for me. In addition to that, I hope next year will be another year of me overcoming my fears and growing stronger because of it.

One of the only things that was consistent this year was your support of me. Whether it was about me being sad or angry or even opening up this blog. You have supported me and for that I will be forever thankful. I don't care if I have never met you, that doesn't make it less real. Thank you.

I hope you all have a good start into the new year and that your 2017 is full of blessings.

Currently being closer to finding a life of my own and forever grateful,

xxx Sarah

Usually I just post my poems on here as a plain text but this time I felt the urgent need to speak the words myself. Sorry in advance for my accent, I'm, as I already said, not a native English speaker. Thanks for listening anyways.

FOMO, the fear of missing out, seems to be a common thing among us teenagers. For example fearing that if you won't go to that party, you'll miss something really cool and funny or if you're not invited to that sleepover, you'll be unpopular and on the outside.

With me, I wouldn't say FOMO is a thing that really affects me. However, I have a ton of fears like I'm pretty sure the list of my anxieties would be as long as Santa's wish list (well not actually, but you know what I mean). And I never really tried to get behind it like why I'm afraid of literally everything, I just took it as a character trait, like that's just the way I am. I'm sure that's not 100% wrong but watching Savannah Brown's video "bad at being bad" (you see, I adore her) it occurred to me that the bottom of most of my fears is the fear of not being perfect so people will think I'm dumb.

Yes, that sounds insane and I know not being perfect makes us human but it's just something that's grounded within me.

Just like Savannah, I'd for example love to dance, maybe even in a dance group but I'm insecure that others will think that I'm awful at it and then I'll just feel bad.

Or the fact that I love to sing. As a kid, I always said this is one of my hobbies but now I just kinda hide it and never talk about it cause I'm like "What if they'd expect me to sing well? And what if my voice is actually terrible and I'll just embarrass myself?"

And it's not like I haven't experienced situations like this. For example, we had a playback show at a school trip and I performed my favorite song at that time (a song from a Barbie movie) and the boys started laughing at me and I immediately felt like "Ok, it's clear, I'm just not able to dance in a good way" as an ex-best friend in first grade already pointed out to me that me loving to do pirouettes is not a right way of dancing.

Another situation that kind of assured me in thinking that I can't sing was when I decided to sing in front of my class in 5th grade. Before that, a lot of people have actually told me that I'm good at singing but when some guys started laughing at me I just filed that under "reasons why I apparently can't sing" and that just kinda stayed with me, even years later, when people said my voice was great and just cause that one moment I doubted they were telling the truth.

Maybe it's also just about that we put too much importance on negative rather than positive experiences but that is another topic.

I'm also insecure of my writing, like I could never show this blog to all the people I know in real life, even if this wasn't such a personal blog. Like what if they say my writing is bad? I just couldn't deal with it and I think this is why criticism bothers me so much although it should actually just help me to grow. However, I seem to take everything personally, like it's a flaw of me as a person. For example when my French teacher told me that my dialogue wasn't good, I nearly started crying 'cause I thought I myself was a failure.

It's just a pattern that I noticed. I have no idea if I'll ever get over this issue of mine but maybe I don't need to. Maybe I just have to accept my fears as a flaw that makes me human and helps me find a life of my own someday.

xxx Sarah

After I wrote down this post called "Hugging" I posted a few weeks ago, I realized how therapeutic it is for me to just have this place to write my thoughts down. And right now my thoughts are running, running wild and I just feel like I need to find some sort of order again so here I am.

I wonder if anyone of you feels/felt like this too.

As I once already said, I am a big planner when it comes to love. And having realized that, I started wondering if I really had a crush on certain people if not all I once called my "crush".

Or, at the same time, I wonder if certain people were the only ones I really ever loved and to cite Cailee Rae they're "something like an anchor that won't let go of me" and I would never be able to love someone like they loved me.

For instance, I can't even picture that feeling anymore I had with my first "crush". Every time I see him at school (which already rarely happens) I start thinking "what did I ever like about this person?" even if we were at that time some sort of friends before it all broke apart.

But then there's this amazing boy I met during one of my darkest times. And in hindsight, I know it would not have been the right time for an "us" but that still does not stop me from aching at the thought of what we could have been. He was one of very few that didn't care about rumors and every time he was close to me I felt like he got me. He got that I just needed to be silent sometimes cause I had a bad day. He got my distance while at the same time working towards making it smaller.

The next-to-last time I saw him (which is in my head practically like the really last time) was Christmas two years ago. He walked past me and we shared a look. And sometimes in my sleep, this moment happens all over again and we actually speak the words out loud that we tried to tell the others through our eyes that day. His eyes were some sort of magical portal for me, leading to a  whole new world and I feel like every time they found mine the word stopped for a second and there was some sort of electricity flowing around the both of us.

But maybe I just imagined all of this and I only liked him because he seemed to be into me. Or maybe he was my one shot because I can't help to compare everyone to him although he now has a girlfriend.

Then after that came a boy who made me feel like home and he was the first one who made me forget about the boy I was all over before that. Every time he smiled, my cheeks started blushing and I just felt at ease with the world which was still a rare feeling for me at that time. It started breaking down when I met his truly amazing girlfriend and I started tucking my feelings away and barely ever saw him ever again.

Nevertheless I was completely star-struck all over again when he smiled at me yesterday. His smile caught my eye and the happiness instantly came fleeting back without me even wanting it.

So am I still in love with him? Or was I ever really in love with him (because at some point I also thought I wasn't in hindsight)? And how am I supposed to handle it and to untangle this knot of feelings inside my stomach?

But maybe it's not about finding someone I could love like I loved certain people in my life. Maybe every person contains a different feeling and maybe it's good that it's like this.

The question that's still lingering is how do you know if you really had a crush on someone (if someone of you knows the answer to this or has an opinion on this, please, please tell me. Comment on here or send me a message on tumblr. I'm really struggling at the moment.)? And will I ever be sure I like someone for the sake of the person and not because I feel lonely? Will I ever feel content being single?

Maybe I'll never know. For now, I'm just trying to look ahead and see what the future will hold for me. Maybe it'll make sense then. And maybe I would have found a life of my own by then.

xxx Sarah

First off, I'm sorry for the break between the last posts. If you follow my tumblr, you might've seen that I'm pretty stuck up in school work at the moment so I barely have time for anything, I'm sorry (let's just all hope this time will end soon).

When Taylor Alison Swift aka my hero started giving interviews for 1989 about two years ago (btw: I. NEED. TS6.), she talked a lot about how she found happiness in being single and many other people talk about it all the time, that you should find peace with being alone before starting a relationship.

However, what no one talks about, is how hard this actually is.

To be really honest with you , I get kind of sad when I see all my other friends having some boy stuff going on right now. Not necessarily jealous because I mean it's great for them if they find someone they have a great connection to but I just feel more lonely.

After the last thing that happened with this guy, I decided to trust my gut feeling more and just start putting more energy in some crush kind of thing if I feel some connection one way or the other from the start. Just to save me some pain, you know. Nevertheless I keep asking myself like when is my turn? When will I find someone I for example have my first kiss and my first relationship with?

Yes, I know happiness should come from within and I can't really complain about my life either way but it's just not really fulfilling if you know what I mean. Would a relationship complete that space? I don't know, probably not, but I'm just running out of ideas.

Apart from that, I'm in a phase again in which life doesn't really feel quite real and I'm wondering if I'll ever find someone I could have a great relationship with. Maybe I'm being too picky, but I can't with people I can't talk about deeper things with and it does not seem that there's someone like that in my environment, e.g. school.

I also don't really think I ever had a real REAL crush. Yes, it felt like that but I'm always confused if I just like that person because of the possibility of having a relationship. And like I said in one of my posts, I have a huge problem with trying to plan crushes.

And yes, I know that searching for someone won't help me find someone but I just can't help it.

I hope, however, to find a solution someday and maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Yesterday it appeared to me that I talked about people that I feel at home with but I completely left out the few actual places that make me feel all happy and comfortable, so I wanted to talk about that today.

1. My bff's home
Every time I enter this house I breathe in the smell of detergent and dog and I feel so soothed and comfortable. The living room where we spent endless mornings playing Mario Kart on the Wii U. The kitchen where we laughed and discussed our weird dreams every time we had breakfast. Her bedroom where we played Pokemon the night away, discussed important topics, comforted each other when we felt down, where we watched Pitch Perfect over and over again or continued writing our stories, where we drew so often and couldn't stop giggling in the middle of the night.
It's also the afternoon when we packed all our necessities and just rode our bike to the lake and picnicked or the one where we got completely lost in the area around the town. It's the inline skating and walking her dog into the forest, taking pictures along the way, freaking out over seeing a deer there, discovering all the secrets that it holds.
It's the time when we spent nearly every afternoon together in fifth grade and we went downtown each time and bought five doughnuts at the bakers because they were cheaper like that. Or the time when we played Sims or Minecraft in her basement.
It's a place I call home.

2. My hometown in general
We moved away from the town I lived from my birth till I was ten years old a long time ago, but still it feels more like home than the town we're currently living in.
It resembles elementary school and finding new friends and being kind of popular actually. It's the first crushes and love letters, the hiding and pretending you don't actually like this person. It's spending every afternoon with my elementary school bff trying to figure out who screams louder and eating sausages out of the microwave each evening.
It's the summers spent with the holiday program in my town because we never had the money to actually go vacation and finding a ton of new friends there. It's the night I spent at the library because of it and feeling so blissful that the feeling held on for days.
It's the dream of becoming a singer or an actress and feeling like everything's possible and it is the day in fifth grade when I sang in front of my whole class. It's playing hide and seek during the break in fifth grade and finding the best hideout in the world. It's all the laughter and cool people and birthdays.
It's the afternoon when we were playing hide and seek and in addition to that, you had to touch the tree to be "free" and the cooler older girl and us went on an adventure, far far away from that tree and it's winning at the game because of it.
It's a place I call home.

3. Our old house
It's seeing how our house was build and moving into my small room which was soon stuck up with what felt like a hundred books I got from the library and reading the night away. It's the afternoons I spent with my friends arranging a fashion show or a concert for my mother, or the ones I spent running around the huge meadow at the back of our house or building igloos in winter. It's also the ones my brother and I spent chasing butterflies just to build them a new home.
It's the many times my friends and I did a prank buzzing at our neighbor's house but not to piss them off but to lay flowers in front of their door, it's hiding behind bushes and the exciting feeling when they left out some sweets for us.
It's making treasure maps and hiding them for older generations, it's going into the forest in the back of our house and breathing in the fresh air.
It's inline skating with my brother, wherever we wanted to because there were rarely any cars around, the freeing feeling when you drove down a descent and the wind howled around your ears and you feel like Flash.
It's also the times spent wondering but finding new faith to go on no matter what.
It's a place I call home.

4. The home of my exchange student from Saxony
It's the scent of wet dog, the doggie of her being so full of joy that he made me happy, too.
It's walking around her village collecting chestnuts and me getting all scared because the sheep on the meadow started walking towards us and I was so terrified of sheep and then forgetting my chestnuts because I was busy running away.
It's the school days with her, discovering new places and making trips with our group.
It's coming home to a woman that's like my second mum and eating and talking and laughing and jumping on her trampoline.
It's a place I call home.

Which places do you call home?

I look forward to finding new places like this because they make me feel like it is possible to be myself and to eventually find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

I asked you in my last post if you would like to have some sort of fall playlist and you said yes, so here it is!

Before I begin, just a fyi: These are mainly indie/folk songs because for me personally these are the best songs for a season like this. So if you don't like that kind of music, you probably won't like these songs but if you do, you're absolutely in the right place.

1. Drive - Oh Wonder

 Okay, I'm absolutely obsessed with this duo, like all their songs are so great! If you want to, check out their channel to listen to some more songs.

2. First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes


I know this song is a bit older, but it's totally giving me those fall vibes.


3. Found - Cinders


This song makes me so motivated and prepped for any adventure somehow and that's why I love it.


4. Honest - Ira Wolf


Do you know these songs that you just feel like could be a part of a movie? This is one.


5. Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons


I love the lyrics of this song, especially the line "I struggle to find any truth in your lies", I don't really know why but it hits home for me.


6. Coracao - The National Parks


I also adore this band, all their songs are so great and perfect for this season! If you want to, check out their YouTube channel for more music.


7. Wander - Tim Atlas


Another song that makes me wanna go on adventures so that's pretty cool.


8. Famous - Trading Alaska


This kind of reminds me of the soundtrack of "The Perks Of Being a Wallflower" so naturally I love it.


9. Misty Morning - Wanderwild


This name already shows that it is a perfect song for fall.

10. Walls - Kings Of Leon


I never thought I'd love a song of Kings Of Leons so much but Taylor Swift posted about it so I had to give it a listen and I must say: I AM OBSESSED.

So these are my top 10 fall songs. I know, I could've easily made some sort of Spotify playlist but I'm still living in the ancient times without the existence of Spotify. And please let me know if you'd like more playlists like these!

Until then, let these songs guide you to find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I felt this way for a long time and yesterday I thought "What if someone out there feels like that, too?", so I just have to post about this.

"This" is the feeling that you just want to hug someone really tight or cuddle. But only a specific person, whose hug makes you feel whole again.

The last few times I had a crush on someone I always thought I needed that person's hug but in the end it didn't fulfill me somehow. It made me happy for a short period of time but this emptiness in my chest stays and I don't know how to make it go away.

And hugging is really so important. Besides the fact that it releases hormones that make us feel good and happy and safe, it makes not only you but also the person you hug happy.

Maybe you have seen these videos going around in which people hold up signs that read "Free hugs" and so, so many people go into it because we, as human beings, just need the contact with others. Not necessarily relationship-wise but in the way of interacting with others.

As a twelve-/thirteen-year-old when the whole hugging-friends-to-greet-them thing started I was bummed. Not that I thought it was weird or something like that but more that I felt kinda uncomfortable with it and I also never know if it is appropriate to hug that person or if we're not close enough friends to do that (just kidding, I still have this problem to this day. I just wish we could invent some kind of universal greeting and saying goodbye gesture, that would be really nice). This then led to a ton of awkward moments as I'm already awkward like that and this not-knowing made me do really strange hand gestures. 

However, now it is something that I long for in some kind of way (if that makes any sense?), that I really enjoy doing. Like, honestly, I'd love to just hug people all day long if that was possible.

Anyways, all I seem to want lately is someone to hug me and to not let go for a few seconds so that I can feel some sort of whole again if that is ever possible. Or maybe I need a special person, I don't know. I just want to fulfill that need in some kind of way.

I hope there is any chance that I'm not alone in this and I also hope that the emptiness won't stop me from finding a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

P.S.: Would you like to see some kind of fall playlist post? I have listened to so many folk/indie music the last week and I just feel the need to share it with everyone because it makes me feel so chill and... Anyway, you know what I mean, just let me know.

You know how people always say "True love hits you when you least expect it"? That's a really true sentence but if you are a really really organized person and someone who likes to plan things out, you might just ignore this or you just ignore it without even realizing it.

That's what hit me yesterday.

With every person I had a slight crush on (until the last guy, I'll come to that later), I chose them beforehand. That sounds pretty weird and probably really is, but I just looked at the guys in my glass for example and I unknowingly decided "OK this guy looks decent and he seems to be nice so LET'S HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!" (okay not exactly like that but you know what I mean).

Or when I went somewhere where there was a slight chance I could meet a guy, I prepared extra well, put on make-up and told myself you have to be like this and that and then you'll surely find someone nice. This even lead to me spying out guys on the train (if any of these ever read this: Sorry sorry sorry for creeping you out) or constantly feeling the need to look around the room and search for someone.

And I think that might be the reason why all these crushes felt wrong in some kind of way or why I now feel like I never had a crush on any of these guys, not really because I just feel nothing when I meet them somewhere now. Or why those "crushes" were over kind of fast. Or why they just existed of me daydreaming and falling in love with the idea of this person.

But the difference with the boy I met in summer was that I totally didn't expect it that time. On the one hand side because I was coming to terms with being single and actually enjoying being free and independent. On the other hand side because we mainly went festivity thing since my friend was asked by this guy that had a crush on her (but the feelings weren't mutual) so I kind of expected to be third-wheeling the night through.

But all of a sudden there was this person, a friend of the boy that had a crush on my friend, approaching me with this sweet smile asking me where I come from. And later I noticed that he blushed looking at me. And then he made a huge effort to talk to me, a total stranger. He even met up with me the next day just because it was the last day at my friend's.

And somehow along the way of texting with him afterwards, it just hit me how special and rare this felt to me, to find a person I didn't choose but chose me, like how insane is this?! Maybe that is the reason why I can't seem to be able to move on from him and just can't stop thinking of all the nice things he said and done although he left me standing in the rain in the end.

But what this taught me that maybe it was a mistake to try to plan something like love, even unknowingly. You just have to let it approach you and see what happens.

But before that, always be sure to find a way to love yourself and a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I recently watched a YouTube video about high sensitivity and found out that a lot of these symptoms apply to me. And I always thought I was weird for being like that but actually a fifth of the world population feels this way, while still 30% of all people who have a high sensitivity are actually extroverts. Plus, if you're very sensitive you're easily mistaken for an introvert which is just wrong. So maybe, I thought, I'd share some of the symptoms I collected with you because it is actually high-key likely you are like me and you never thought that this is first of all something that is heritable nor that you're actually not alone in this.

So, let's get started.

1. You're probably a daydreamer.
Just like you might do, I paint a hundred different scenarios in my head that will probably never happen but I just feel like I need to be prepared for the case you know.

2. You're falling in love really, really fast.
That really hit me because I thought that was just an odd habit of me - becoming so attached so easily - but no, they're actually people out there who feel the same way, isn't that amazing?!

3. You're a good listener and you can easily put yourself in other people's shoes.
This is a reason why I'm never really angry at somebody because I can sense what they're currently feeling and see their problems (while many of the people I know just see things as black and white, good and evil).

4. You're very sensitive to loud sounds (especially when you're sleeping) and/or bright light
That's something that doesn't apply to me that much as I'm only sometimes bothered by slight sounds in the distance but yeah, like I said, some symptoms apply to me and some do not.

5. You hate smalltalk and just want to skip to the deeper conversations
I really do.

6. You can easily detect if someone's lying to you and know when to say something about it or when you should not.

7. You don't like being somewhere where everyone's hectic or where many people are.
I get in such a bad mood when I'm stressed out which mostly happens when others are stressed out. But I don't mind crowds especially at concerts for example.

8. You have a very good intuition.

9. When someone else isn't feeling well, you can't be happy either.

10. You can barely watch disturbing images in movies (e.g. horror movies) or basically any negative pictures in the news and if you do, you're feeling really down.
This actually explains a lot to me.

11. You enjoy being alone to regain energy.


12. You avoid chaos and plan things out before you do them.
Guilty, guilty, guilty. Everyone thinks I'm weird because of that but it just helps me to get a grip of everything I have to do.

13. You cry very easily, even while watching movies or reading books.
So I practically never cry when I read or watch something but I do get pretty close to tears as soon as someone criticizes me or raises his voice at me while others are just way more chill about it.

14. You have a hard time making decisions.
I can relate so much to this.

So far for now. If you might have noticed that many of these symptoms apply to you, too, you can just google "high sensitivity" and find some more out about it, if you want to (for this post I mainly used this and this site).

Of course I'm not a psychologist and I'm not a hundred percent sure that I'm really a person with high sensitivity but I just thought it might interest you if you have never heard of it before like I did.

All in all, high sensitivity is not something bad you have to fight against and it will never stop you from finding a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I just came back from my concert weekend and there's so much to talk about but I want to start with The Lipstick Study™.

You're probably wondering what this study is right now. Well, let me explain.

The lipstick worn by my bff

So my bff went to the concert of Madeline Juno in Hamburg on Saturday and because we really felt
like it, we rocked some darkish red/nearly purple lipstick. Before we went to the venue, we did some shopping downtown and first of all it is amazing how much more confident you feel with a bold lip. I'm currently thinking of completely owning this style and becoming a lipstick addict (well, maybe not that extreme but I adore lipsticks even though my lips are practically non-existent lol).

But the most astonishing thing that happened while we were wearing it, was that we were approached by random strangers SEVEN TIMES during the two days we decided to put it on. First off, I might have to explain that usually, we or even more I never get approached by anyone, never ever ever.

But welp, it was okay and normal the first few times when people just asked us for a direction (which we of course didn't know because we're not from Hamburg).

However, it got pretty strange after that when two guys suddenly, in the middle of the mall, asked us what job we got. I quickly said we didn't have one and they then proceeded to ask if we're over 18. Hold on. To get this straight: No one, EVER, thought I looked older. Most of the time I get mistaken for a 14-year-old due to my baby face and my short hair.

Okay, we can go on. My bff quickly said no and we went on with our stroll through the mall, when we suddenly came up with the idea that maybe the lipstick is the reason why so many people approached us that day and we wanted to verify or thesis because you know, it could still be that this is just the way people from Hamburg are like.

So flash forward when we were standing in line for the concert (we played Harry Potter Uno yay). And again, two times guys approached us (and there were tons of other people in line just fyi) and asked us for which concert we were waiting for and what style of music Madeline Juno was, then proceeded to tell us to have fun. At that point there was no doubt about the lipstick thesis anymore.

wow so close like is this even real

But actually I should talk about the concert.
As Madeline Juno isn't that huge yet, we got second row for the concert although we were there only like two hours before the doors opened. And I really loved it, I have never ever been so close to any of my heroes and role models ever.

Besides a few interruptions (I might talk about that in another blog post someday) the concert began with the first few notes of Into The Night and I immediately starting singing/shouting while most of the people around me, including some in the first row, were all silent and unexcited. I, however, was so excited I thought I might faint.

While the concert went on, I got even louder and louder, danced the night away and didn't even once care about the strange looks people gave me. And after it ended, I just wished it could've lasted forever or that I could go to concerts every day for the rest of my life because I realized it is my happy place, the only place in this whole wide world where I could just fully be and embrace myself.

Suddenly I understood that I'm actually not as much as an introvert as I painted myself to be because to be completely honest with you, I really really enjoy being loud and bold, I feel comfortable and happy with it.

So maybe, I thought, maybe I am the one who stops myself from growing into my own person.

I really hope I'll someday feel the way I feel on concert nights more often in my normal life and I really really hope then I'll find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Usually I don't make another post as soon after the other but yesterday, after I published my post about loneliness, it hit kind of like a nerve in me and I wondered about a lot of things.

One of it was that suddenly I wasn't wishing for him to text me as much as I did the last month. I also got this feeling in my chest that is hard to swallow but at the same time kind of freeing to be honest.

So I asked myself what happened.

The answer: I most definitely hit a crossroad.

Sometimes you just know when you hit a point where you over the overall depression but starting to move on, I could just feel it somehow.

So you probably know the five stages of grief:
1. Denial and isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I personally believe that this not only applies to us when we've lost someone but also when we experience heartbreak or when we lose ourselves. That was why I applied it to my situation to figure out how this crossroad came to be.

When he first didn't text me back, I was already in stage one: Denial. I told myself HE was the one who wanted to keep in touch with me so he probably just, I don't know, didn't have the time to answer me. And that went on for one month. To be more precisely until Friday last week.
 Day by day I waited by the phone, getting all excited when it vibrated only to be even more depressed when his name didn't light up the phone screen.

As you might now, those stages can mix which is exactly what happened to me. While I was still stuck in the denial phase, I also got into the depression one. I was sad and angry at myself because I wasn't enough again and maybe this is a problem of my personality rather that his, I thought. The emptiness came back lurking into my body and I wasn't able to do anything besides listening to music and watching Gossip Girl.

I also got into bargaining.
"If I had just asked him more questions, then..."
"If I had just talked about something more interesting..."
"What if he had texted right in the morning on my birthday and didn't wait until 11 pm to send me a "Happy Birthday" message?"
I went back and forth on these questions.

What about anger? I didn't exactly feel that way as I am a pretty calm and rarely ever feeling angry person so I never ever once came to the conclusion that it was all his fault. I wanted to, but I just knew it wasn't the truth so in my heart I never really believed it.

And now I think - even if I haven't fully reached it - I'm on my way to acceptance. Accepting that it just wasn't meant to be and that's okay because one day I'll meet the right person and he'll meet the right person and we will both be happy which is more than I can hope for.

So what is the gist, what can you learn from that?
I think sometimes we have to remind ourselves that even if we're feeling hopeless right now and as if we could never emerge from that great big black hole we're in, we'll make it someday and we'll feel okay again and we'll find someone who understands us just as we are when the time is right.

But until then, we should all try to find a life of our own.

xxx Sarah

I've been wondering a lot about what I should talk about this week because nothing seemed to really have stroke my mind (except for 5 days of headache and having to take meds but oh well, guess my period buddy is on its way). But then I watched Savannah Brown's video "Loving like an Existentialist" today (check her out, I adore her videos, especially her poems!) and it hit me that no one living in my area really thinks about stuff the way I do and that might be the reason why I never ever had a boyfriend nor anyone who I just clicked with in terms of deeper thinking or anyone who was really into this thing.

You know, guys my age seem to like to drink and party, to be the guy that can have any girl or playing games with girls to make them chase them and simply don't enjoy talking about feelings or (in my eyes) sincere topics.

Most of my friends, too, like drinking and partying (which is generally not a really bad thing to get that straight) and talk about boys and how you should chase them and go along with their games and how you should be lucky to have someone that is kinda into you but still doesn't text you back regularly but that isn't important 'cause he's cool and it is cool to have a boyfriend.

The only person I really know that thinks about stuff as deeply as I do is my internet best friend but we live about six hours apart and sometimes I feel very lonely.

In addition to that, I can only seem to voice my thoughts in English (hence this blog written in English although I'm actually from Germany) and you can't just talk with others in a foreign language like that would be pretty weird, right?

Other than that I have tumblr which is great but I'd really love to have someone who doesn't live miles away to just talk about the things that come to my mind during the day, the questions that are haunting me in my sleep.

However I might just have to remind me that there are people out there who are just like me and someday I'll meet them and I'll find my place in this world somehow.

Until then, I'll hope I'll eventually find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

You know how people always say that when you find that person you just click with, you'll feel at home?
I always thought this was some kind of hoax as I never really had this feeling before. Not until one year ago when I met someone and I talked a few sentences with him and BAM there was this thread connecting us somehow and I felt like he didn't mind me being completely awkward most of the time, like he understands me.
We didn't start anything romantically wise but that's okay, because that feeling doesn't always have to mean that this is the right person to start a relationship with, I can also mean that you two would be great friends.

Another time when I experienced it was when I met my internet best friend this summer and even though we really understood each other skyping or writing letters and stuff, it's always something different when you see them in person so naturally, I was pretty freaking nervous.
But the second I saw her, there was this thread again, this thread connecting both of us somehow and I had one of the best days of my life. We even randomly bursted out saying the same sentences at the same time! Not to forget that we could literally read each others mind whenever something strange happened.

So when I met this guy a few months ago, I totally forgot that this exists, that it is possible to feel this way with a person. We texted back and forth for a few weeks and I felt okay with him but not 100% comfortable, I felt like he just didn't understand me that well but I thought "Hey, there's this person who for once seems slightly interested in you, so you just have to keep going, this might be your only chance to ever find someone" (silly I know, but it felt like the truth to me back then).
Then it ended and the past few weeks I wasn't really feeling that well because of it until one night - I was just getting ready to go to bed - it suddenly hit me: I never ever ever felt at home with this person. Never. So maybe it was a good thing it ended, maybe I'm now able to find the right one someday as I now do not cling to this other guy anymore.
Although I'm currently enjoying this "no love complications" time, it is nice to have this in the back of my mind.

So to everyone out there who's going through heartbreak right now: You will find someone better, someone you just have this unique connection with. Have faith in it.

Someday you'll find a life of your very own.

xxx Sarah

Today I started this blog. Why? I mean I already have a blog about books but still, I felt the need to start this new thingy right here.

The past few days I felt really bad, however, I felt like there are maybe a thousand people out there who'll probably feel the same and how cool would it be to start like a blog where you could exchange your struggles and get advice when you feel down?

So this is. A bright place as Violet from All The Bright Places (an absolutely lovely book - read it!)
would say it.

I'm going to try to share at least one post per week. It can be about a personal struggle, a book I've read that I feel like would help anyone out or just something someone told me and got me started thinking.

To you, that wonderful person behind that screen, just know that maybe you don't feel like going anywhere right now, but I'll promise you someday you - and everyone else - will eventually find a life of their own.

xxx Sarah