Find a life of your own.

 The first time (or so I thought) I came in contact, really in contact, with what it means to grieve was when my grandmother died two years ago. I considered myself lucky before, telling my friends that "fortunately no one had died in my family yet". All I knew about funerals was that my father was sometimes invited to speak on them and that when my parents attended one, they dressed in all black.

But here it was, the fateful day on which I thought I "finally" become acquianted with what grief means. And yes, I did grieve and I sometimes still do. I can't listen to certain songs because they remind me of her, and sometimes I'll notice there's a full moon outside and wonder how she is doing right now. I guess little things like that follow you around. And I also grieved when my grandfathers passed away shortly thereafter. I thought it was some kind of sick joke of life that it prevented me from feeling grief for so long, but then it decided to just confront me with a load that felt like a mountain, all in the matter of a few months. How am I supposed to cope, I thought, when I have never experienced anything like this before and life doesn't give me enough time to process the last time I had to grief?

Of course I didn't realize that I was confronted with grief, and the five stages of it, several times already in my life, and yet I still made it through. I actually had a reference, it just didn't occur to me that grief isn't limited to death, that it extends to friend breakups, romantic distress and sometimes even losing or having to lose the old you. 

I grieved in third grade, when my elementary school best friend suddenly decided I wasn't cool enough for her anymore and abandoned me on the first day of school. I remember spending weeks all alone by myself during breaks, wishing I just had someone to talk to. But, after a while, I found new friends, maybe even better ones, and I forgot what was making me so sad before.

I grieved when I was 12 and I fell in love with a boy who didn't reciprocrate my feelings. He was my first real crush, I felt, and for more than a year, I constantly switched between the stages of denial, anger, sadness, and sometimes even acceptance. And don't get me wrong, it was really hard for teen me, but I eventually made it through, I fell in love with someone new and spend more time taking care of myself than thinking about a boy who was never interested in me anyways.

I also grieved just a year after that, still trying to come to terms with my broken heart. I grieved the loss of who I thought I was meant to be, not for myself, but for other people. I grieved for the joy I used to feel when now there seemed to be nothing left of it. I distinctly remember spending days just wishing I could turn back time, and change anything, so that I could be my old self again. With time, I learned that changing isn't bad, and that I'm going to evolve so many times more in my life, and though the growing pains are terrible, I will always arrive at a better spot than where I started.

When I just graduated highschool, I grieved the loss of a friendship, of a person that was so central to my life but just didn't fit into it anymore, no matter how hard I tried. I became angry at her for changing, and at me for noticing how we didn't match anymore but choosing to ignore it. I was sad, really sad, for a long time. Sometimes I thought I was fine, only to wake up the next day thinking about it and her like an echo chamber for another week. But again, there was time. So much time. And today, I think I've made myself comfortable in the acceptance stage, knowing that some things, or even people, are simply only meant to be in your life for a limited amount of time.

What I want to say with this is that you are allowed to grief, not only for people who died, but also feelings and people you lost. And most importantly, give yourself time. I have found that when you take the time, when you do not push the pain away and just let it fill you, for a little bit, you will get through whatever is bringing you down easier and faster. If you give yourself permission to feel it.

xxx Sarah

As you know, I love a good trip down memory lane and just a few days ago, I realized that in just about a week, I will not be a teenager anymore. And this then got me thinking about all the things that happened in the last decade of my life and what changed and in which ways I've grown and I felt like putting together a little list to share with you, so here are ten things I learned during my teenage years:

1. It's okay to not be okay for a while. It doesn't matter if feeling okay again takes weeks, months, or even years. You're healing at your own pace, and no one has the right to tell you how long you are supposed to grief for the you you were before traumatic events took place. But what's also important is that all the supposedly cheesy sayings about how it will get better weren't made by "neurotypical people who have no idea what it's like to be you" because it is true. There is always gonna be a light at the end of the tunnel. And you will reach it eventually. Sometimes you might get lost or wander in the wrong direction, but the sun is calling out to you. Let it embrace you.

2. How to block out the opinions of others. As a teenager, you experience so much change, and it is so confusing and on top of that everyone during these years feels like they have the right to judge anyone for not being enough x or y. One of the most crucial skills to learn is that the opinions of the people who do not care about you and put no effort into trying to understand you don't matter. They truly don't. As long as what you are doing makes yourself happy, that is enough. Listen to your gut instead of adjusting to the opinions of strangers. Or, if you need advice, talk to your friends or family.

3. Being single during your teenage years is actually the best thing that could've happened to you. Another thing that feels huge and important during your teenage years is how you measure yourself up to others and don't want to feel left behind. People start having their first romantic (and sexual) experiences and a lot of times you feel like you're missing out. But I honestly think I have truly benefitted from not having had any romantic or sexual experiences until I was 19. It allowed me to truly get to know myself, and what I want, instead of taking over a different personality for my partner (which is 100% what insecure little teenage me would have done if I had been in a relationship before). It also allowed me to figure out my priorities, and focus my energy on developing life-long friendships instead. And this in turn made me a better partner. I learned to truly listen to others, how to take care of others and give advice, and when to put my own feelings and thoughts in the background to just be there for someone. (and I learned how to find the perfect gift for someone)

4. Being kind is always going to be rewarding. If you only take one thing away from this list, let it be this. Be kind to people. You never know what someone is going through, and just that split moment of you giving them a smile or exchanging small talk could make someone's entire day. Of course, it's important to also know your boundaries, and to know when to recharge so you don't run out of energy. Because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

 

5. Communication is key! This is something I only really learned during the past year or so. I had a strong tendency to just lie about little things, because I was scared that people wouldn't understand me, scarred from past experiences. What I've found, though, is that the right people will make an effort to understand you and they won't judge you for expressing your thoughts. This is especially important when it comes to romantic relationships. So many bad feelings surface because one partner wasn't honest about their feelings and so much hurt can be avoided if you just speak up when something bothers you.

6. Just because it's hard to let toxic people go, doesn't mean that they were right for you after all. If there was some cure-all medicine to just make you immediately forget and let go of toxic people that once were in your life, that'd be great, but unfortunately that is not the case. It's going to take a while to move on and it's going to hurt like hell. And maybe you'll never truly forget them, maybe you'll still occasionally make up "what if" scenarios in your head and that doesn't mean you don't love yourself enough to let them go. It just means that you are capable of loving people fiercely, and that you truly loved someone else. Of course it's going to hurt. But rather than talking yourself down because of it, be gentle with yourself. Ultimately, time is the greatest healer. Be patient.

7. How to be vulnerable. For most of the past decade in my life, I was terrified of being vulnerable. Even with my closest friends. I was scared they would judge me, just like others had in the past, and they would think I'm weird because of the way my brain works. But then, when I started questioning my sexuality and opened up to others about it, the most magical thing happened: They felt more comfortable to be more vulnerable with me. So then I opened myself up more, and they did in return as well and the most beautiful, profound relationships developed. The biggest take-away for me was that it's okay to be completely honest and express your thoughts unfiltered. The right people will not judge you for it, and it will take such a weight off your shoulders to not have to pretend for once. And it will allow you to heal.

8. That no one has it all figured out. It may seem like you're the only one struggling, but that's only because you experience the behind-the-scenes of your life while only seeing the highlight reel of other people's life. Most of us just walk around clueless and figure it out as we go. As much as you wish to plan your life ahead, you never know what is going to happen next. And that's also the beauty of life, isn't it?

9. Change is inevitable, no matter how much you dread it. I have a big problem with adjusting to major life changes. Two of them happened during the last decade of my life, one being moving to a new town, the other one being graduating highschool. It might take a long time to get used to your "new" life and that's okay. It's also okay to have regular mental breakdowns about it for quite a while (or in my case, for more than half a year). Allow yourself to feel the pain and the grief for the life you had before, and you will get through it faster than if you're pretending that everything's fine. And, again, with time, everything will become easier. Trust the process.

10. The most beautiful things in life can grow from the darkest times. From making a really good friend while being sad and just exchanging your thoughts and feelings with them, to finding yourself a partner for life in the middle of processing a break-up: You just never know what life throws at you. Expect the unexpected, and be open to others, even, or especially, while you're in pain.

Ready to keep on trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

(first off a short shout-out to my friend who told me I should finally get back to posting regularly on here - here you go!)

I don't know why (okay, actually I do know, but we'll get to that later), but I think one of my biggest anxieties is not being good enough. I never really realized that this is something that is such a huge part of me until last year or so. I thought I was becoming more confident and I definitely care less about what other people who do not know me think, but with loved ones, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, suddenly I care a whole lot. I mean, yeah, that's normal to a certain extent, of course you want the people you love to love you back. And with friendships I don't really struggle with this that much because somehow I have more trust that at least my close friends won't turn around someday and say goodbye (I mean they already saw all the crazy sides of me so it's practically impossible oops). It's just this deep, intrinsic fear that when the other person finds out who I really am, what is going on in my mind most of the time and that I'm not always a good person, they will just leave. And then I will need to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart all over again.

I think this probably stems from past relationships/romantic involvements/friendships I have had. One friend of mine only liked me when I was popular, or she would only want to hang out with me if I was. She would constantly belittle me and put me down for not only the things I liked, but also for my genuine feelings, claiming I'm just "overreacting". I cut off the contact two years ago but when the voices in my head are telling me "they're just going to leave when they see the real you", she is definitely one of them. With my romantic encounters over the years, although they mostly never led to anything close to a substantial relationship, it was similar. I was not exactly told I was not "good enough", but as soon as I talked with a guy for a while, they would all of a sudden ghost me, with not explanation or anything. And yes, I too have ghosted guys before. But still, it hurts. It's like "Here I am, serving you my heart on a plate, giving my best, and it's still not enough for you to keep talking to me, to find out who I really am, although until now I just gave you pieces of that. These pieces are already enough for you to leave? Okay I guess.". When it comes to guys, it was even like that for boys that liked me but that I wasn't interested in. Which is okay of course. But whenever a guy showed interest in me, my mind immediately went "Oh they just like the idea of you, if they knew the real you, they would immediately run away", without giving anyone the chance to ever get to know the "real me". It's making a decision on behalf of other people because of your anxiety, and I'm trying to stay mindful of that and evaluate my decisions based on that, but it's still hard.

And then there's of course the toxic friendship or situationship I had been in until the end of last year. Don't get me wrong, I had some great times with this person, but she also constantly made off-hand comments about how she thinks my interests are boring. And then when I decided to leave the situationship behind, it was because she quite literally told me she thinks I'm boring. And then I was like. Oh. Okay. I'm not good enough again. Her voice is probably the one I hear most when I'm talking myself down.

It's so funny when you think about it because what is "good enough"? Like how do you even classify it? Is it something that is inherent to someone, like some people are just born enough and others will never be? Or can you reach that goal once you have that job, once you earn this and that money, once you reach certain milestones? It's as if I'm telling myself "Other people are born worthy, but you aren't and can never be". It's just a really twisted logic, and I'm really working on telling myself, of reminding myself that there's nothing I have to do to be good enough, or how I like to rephrase it, to be worth it. I exist, and therefore I'm worthy. Nothing I say or do or am will change that. I would never in a million years think my friends are worthless, so why am I telling it to myself? I think it all begins with being aware of your toxic thought patterns and trying to replace them with positive thoughts. That is what I'm trying to do for now, anyways. It might be a long long journey, but I now know I deserve better. I actually deserve the best. Each of us does. I hope you remember that, too.

xxx Sarah

I want to start this off by saying, again, sorry for not posting so much, I haven't really felt inspired lately I guess but the topic of this post is something that has been and still is on my mind and I thought posting about it on here might help me sort through my thoughts (& help others who experience similar things).

So, when I was a kid, not being straight was never really an option for me. I personally wasn't homophobic, but as you guys know my mum was (and still is), so I never really ever questioned myself in that way. I think I was 13 or 14 when one of my favorite German youtubers came out as bisexual and the first time I heard that term something just clicked for me, but again, I figured I would already know if I wasn't straight.

So I'm not gonna reiterate the entire story of my coming out again, since I already made a post about this on my blog. Long story short, I realized I was bi and I was okay. It took me a little while after I first started seriously thinking about it but then I was 100% positive about it.

Last year, I met my now girlfriend. And although I had thought "maybe I'm not bi, maybe I'm just secretly gay/straight" before, these intrusive thoughts increased during this time. I saw the realities of what it is like to really date a girl and while it was beautiful, but it also increased my anxiety. It was like this realization that dawned upon me that this coming out process will never end for me and I will always live with the fear that every new person I meet could end up hating me if they knew I wasn't straight. Like, I will never be able to escape that. And it really messed with my head.

I recently watched "Love, Victor" (which you might have seen by the numerous posts I made about this show on tumblr oops) and at some point Victor says "maybe I can be normal and happy" and "I just don't want my life to be this hard" and it hit me SO hard because I have had these thoughts so so many times lately. Like, I'm bi, so why don't I just fall in love with a guy instead, I mean I truly do have it easier than gay people, I could just choose to be straight and then everything will be fine and... You see where I'm going. I didn't even realize my own internal biphobia, which was me constantly telling myself that I cannot be bisexual or live my identity as such.

It also doesn't help that I have spent the past three or four months at home. My dad doesn't really talk to me about my girlfriend (though he seems relatively chill about it) but my mum is telling me at least once a week that homosexuality is a work of the devil and you can imagine what this does to your mind, even if you rationally KNOW that it is not true. Whenever she says this, a tiny part of me just wants to throw everything I worked on so far away and just pretend I'm straight because it's just easier and I don't have to disappoint anyone. My mum also constantly insinuates that I should keep my sexuality a secret for the rest of my life. And I don't even know why I comply with that but I do, out of fear to be rejected by everyone I know. But isn't it necessary to be brave sometimes to live your best life? I always try to recall Taylor's words in her ELLE magazine article, when she said "We have to live bravely in order to feel truly alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears". I still try to find a way to work around that, to internalize this tought of "it's okay to be who I am and I do not need to hide to make others more comfortable".

What I'm trying to say is overcoming internalized homo- or biphobia is a lifelong process. We live in an inherently heteronormative society and we have to actively make an effort to question and change this belief system. Not only allies, but also we as the lgbt community ourselves. There might be days where we feel proud of who we are but sometimes we might cave and hate ourselves for it again. And I just want to say that that's okay. It's a rollercoaster rather than a staircase, it isn't possible to ever reach a point where we never, not a single day, sometimes think that it'd be better if we were straight. All we can do is keep pushing and keep getting off the ground again and reminding ourselves that we deserve a good life. We deserve happiness. We deserve love. Even and especially when we don't believe in it ourselves.

xxx Sarah

To start it off, I genuinely never thought I would reach a mark like this, ever. Like I so vividly remember being 14 and thinking, okay I’m gonna start this journey but I don’t truly believe I will actually be able to keep going. Yet here I am. Huh.

I feel like so much about myself has changed over the past year. I feel like a totally different person compared to back then but also still the same? If that makes sense. When I read through last year’s post this morning I felt kind of estranged by it but at the same time I can definitely recall how I was feeling last year. (btw, if you want to read through each year’s post, here are some links: 2019 2018 2017 2016)

Okay, enough nostalgia, here’s some stuff I was struggling with over the past year and new things I’ve learned.

The past year has been a year of many changes for me. First of all, I had to let go of someone who for a long time really supported me through difficult times, but changed and left me feeling bad about myself. It has actually taken multiple attempts to finally cut things off, and while I do feel sad and angry about it quite a bunch of times, I know it was the right decision in the end. And I’m proud of myself for pulling through with this, for finally standing up for my self-worth for once. Because I deserve more than people who treat me shitty.

Moreover, this quarantine time has really taken a toll on me and my mental health. I find myself obsessing over the way my body looks in a way I genuinely have never before since I barely move outside at the moment. I’ve also had some really, really dark days. What helps me get through it is focusing on my uni work and regularly exercising and going outside.

I’m getting more and more comfortable with my sexuality. I’m out to my parents now, and while sometimes their homophobic behavior really wears me down, I know I can get through it because I have the most amazing friends who support me as much as they can. Honestly, so many of them have offered to let me stay with them in case my parents react extremely negatively and I’m so, so thankful for that. (I actually still get a little teary-eyed when I think about that)

But probably the biggest change, the one that truly changed my life completely, was my girlfriend. It’s kind of funny, because you can plan for things like falling in love as much as you want but then you still end up finding it in the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected of times. In retrospect, we both chose actually the worst time to fall in love with each other, but it still worked out. Because we both wanted it to.

And honestly, just being around my girlfriend has made me more confident. She is really confident herself, and I admire that so much about her, that it makes me want to go outside of my comfort zone more. She also opened me up to the world of fashion omg! I mean, of course I was a little bit interested in it before, but I’ve never really consciously used fashion to express myself and even though I’m still at the beginning, it’s so much fun already and it really boosts my self-confidence to wear something I feel like I look great in.

As I’ve never been in a relationship before, I had to really closely examine my behaviors and habits and recognize toxic behavior that I have used in the past when it came to love and actively work to better myself. One of such things is communication. Perhaps you know how long it took me to really learn that it’s okay for me to tell others about my problems and my feelings, that I’m not a burden for doing so. With her, I realized that when it came to romantic encounters, my “strategy” with dealing with arising problems was mope about it on here but never actually talking to the other person and communicating my issues and working through them. But this time, I really wanted things to work out so badly, so now whenever I feel upset about something, I just tell her. And we talk through it. And most of all, she doesn’t mind that I sometimes overthink stuff and might interpret things wrong, she always is the epitome of patience and love and that is honestly so refreshing.

And through her eyes, I start seeing things that I thought were my flaws in an entirely new light. For example, she likes that I think so much about stuff and thinks it’s actually cute that I always have the need to always express my feelings at all times. I used to think I was “too much” for people, that I have to stop feeling things so intensely and that people will only find that annoying. Now I know it is my biggest asset. And that has also changed my relationship to other people, as I have noticed that it’s okay to just freely express my feelings because the right ones will always understand them, and you might feel even closer to them. She makes me bold and brave and these are two adjectives I never would’ve used to describe myself before.

So, this was my past year. I don’t know in what mental health state I will be this time next year, this time in three years, in five years. But maybe that’s also the fun about it. The unpredictability of where you’ll end up and what you will have learned.

Thank you to anyone who has ever sent me messages cheering me up when I was feeling down. It means more to me than words could ever express. Thank you. I love you <3

xxx Sarah

I don't know about you but I feel A LOT. like a lot a lot. And all of the time. I cry easily, I get sad over small things but also feel extreme joy when good things happen. And on top of that, my mind is like a hamster running in his wheel, just like 24/7.

Because of that, I have spent most of my life not sharing the entire scope of my feelings. Whether that was downright lying and saying "I'm fine" (I've lost count of how many times I've said that tbh) or making up some other excuse or dodging questions or just withholding information when I was asked. I think I might have talked about this in some year recap post on here, too, and that it was my resolution (and has been for a long time) to learn to be more honest end upfront with my emotions despite being so scared of it leaving me vulnerable.

Because there's indeed a vulnerability in sharing your uncensored mind. And too often - an experience some of you guys probably share - when we actually step out of our comfort zone and tell others what we are dealign with, we are being ridiculed or the other person just does not get it at all. And then we retrieve even further, we tell ourselves "see, this is why I hide my feelings, it's for the better" and it becomes even more seldom that we have the courage to open up to someone.

And then, as most of you know, I got into a relationship. And by doing so, it was time to acknowledge my unhealthy behaviors and actively trying to work against them, if I did not want to risk losing someone so incredibly right for me. Sure, a *lot* of my past heartbreaks were results of me just straight up falling for people who were extremely toxic and not good for me. But that's not the entire picture. I started to recognize that my own anxiety when it comes to relationships and my refusal to tell others when something hurt me, or even just my refusal to share my anxiety with them so that they'd know why I react a certain way sometimes, also damaged the potential right from the beginning.

So I started just telling the person I am with about whatever is taking up space in my mind. Instead of just making frustrated tumblr posts (though I do love chatting about everything with you guys). And yes, I know that I'm lucky, being with someone who makes opening up seem like a nice walk in the sun instead of a legitimate rabbit hole, someone who never judges me for what I'm feeling. But the point is, if you meet someone, and you do not even try to open up to them, to see how they react and if they would be a positive influence in your life, you never know. You could either know much sooner if something isn't right, or you could end up missing out on building a profond relationship with someone because of your anxiety.

And this doesn't just apply to romantic encounters. Two years ago, my best friend and I got even closer and now we just talk to each other about everything. And it's such a relief to be honest. Before that, I think we were both scared to a certain extent of how the other person would react, but now we share an even deeper bond and there's not a day that goes by without me being grateful for having her in my life. Now, imagine if we hadn't taken that first leap. We'd still be best friends, for sure, but we would have missed out on reaching this "next level" of friendship, a level on which you have this one person with whom you never have to filter your thoughts. And, like I said, I can only describe it as a huge relief.

So if you take anything away from this ramble-like post, let it be this: It's always worth opening up to people. Don't let your anxiety tell you otherwise. Try it out. The worst thing that could happen is that you can finally and easily sort out the toxic people in your life.

Until next time,

xxx Sarah

Some time ago, I read a post about how as a woman, you are used to always see yourself from the inside and the outside. No matter what you are doing, you are always thinking about what you look like doing this gesture and what people might think if you say this or that and how this could come off as "bossy" or that as "being a prude".

I kind of forgot about it for a while but I recently started thinking about it again whenever I told myself "don't say/do this, or they will think you're annoying". Like, can you believe (and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there) I constantly have this inner monologue going on, examining my every move and classifying everything as "annoying/too much" or "okay"? And I never even questioned it? Why is it the normalcy for women to talk themselves down all the time to appear "humble"?

Since we are little girls, we are taught that appearance matters. What other think of us matters. And I mean, that's not even just a female-specific thing, everyone of us is aware of how others see us. But I feel like we, as women, are told to prioritize the thoughts and feelings of others above our own. Apologize for taking up too much space. Don't speak your thoughts, or else you might scare them away. You're not worthy of love, you have to prove yourself to be worthy of it. Maybe it comes from the whole "the princess gets saved by the prince and that's it, you cannot do it yourself" thing. Like as if everything depends on being loved by someone, and if you don't have it, you live a miserable life.

Obviously, times are changing and there are more progressive movements nowadays. But I still feel like girls are told to shrink themselves to make men comfortable. We are supposed to blend into the background instead of being the center of attention, because otherwise we are needy and no one would want a woman like that.

Maybe I'm diving too much into philosophical questions here, and I sure cannot blame the patriarchy for all of my insecurities, but I feel like it helps to acknowledge that some of the self-destructing thoughts I'm having are influenced by how society sees or rather wants to see women. Whenever I'm telling myself I'm "annoying" or "too much", I stop and think about whether that is actually true or whether I have just been taught that being myself deserves no space in society. When I express my thoughts, and I'm later scolding myself for doing so for probably being "embarrassing", I try to tell myself I'm not, and that I am allowed to let people know how I feel. Whenever I am scared or moody, I allow myself to express those moods, to tell people I'm interacting with that this is what I'm feeling instead of swallowing my hurt down so as to not "burden" them with my feelings. Your feelings are never, EVER, a burden. No matter what your head tries to tell you. And if your loved ones try to tell you that, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. Because the right people will understand you, or try to understand you. They won't leave you stranded just because of who you are. You do not have to be "mysterious" to seem appealing, you do not have to hide the beauty of your inner emotional world. Because it IS beautiful. I have come to learn that.

I deserve to take up space. I deserve to voice my opinion. I deserve to express my feelings and not have to justify them, because other people don't get to have a say in whether you should be hurt or not. If you are hurt, no rational reasoning why you shouldn't be can change that. I'm not too much, I'm an entire fucking universe and the people who are not ready to handle its beauty don't deserve a space in my life.

If you take anything away from this ramble/me expressing my muddled thoughts post, let it be this: Next time you are putting yourself down, ask yourself whether what you are saying is actually true, or whether it's just your attempt at trying to shrink yourself to make others more comfortable. Our inner monologue only remains a monster if we do not learn to turn it into a dialogue.

xxx Sarah