Find a life of your own.

About a year ago, I made this post, "2016 and New Year's Resolutions". I recalled it again as 2017 is slowly coming to an end.

My resolution was to find a way to be happy without having some sort of love interest. And that I'm able to overcome my fears and start being brave. Have I achieved my goal? I'll tell you at the end of this post, but first off I think it'd be good to have a quick recap of this year.

1. Family
Not much has changed compared to last year. My brother is still in therapy, and now, towards the end of this year, my grandpa is doing worse again. He's just constantly in pain and I understand his wish to let go of his life as he has lived a really long and beautiful life indeed.

I'm sometimes struggling with my family. I feel like everyone places their expectations on me and that just adds up to my internalized fear of never being good enough. I'll also never be okay with the fact that my parents are still kinda homophobic. Well, we haven't particularly talked about this topic since I was like five but I know they were outraged when our parliament voted for marriage equality here in Germany.

Oh, on the brighter side though, my half brother married and the marriage was beautiful (he even cried a bit which I've never seen happening before). I guess I officially got two sisters now.

2. Friends
At the end of 2016 I talked about how I was starting to find a really good group of friends and how I was hoping the friendship would last.

It did.

I got so close with so many people this year. They went to our theatre performance for me. They defend me. They care for my feelings. They don't treat me any different just because of my past.

I got drunk for the first (and probably for now the last) time ever. They were on my side. They supported me, even people that I personally barely talk to.

One of my friends keeps up with Taylor Swift news for me. She watches the music videos as soon as they came out and whenever she saw me posting about a new song being released off of reputation, she immediately listened to it. She was also the one who came up with the idea to choose LWYMMD as the song for our choreography in our PE class. She's pretty upfront and honest but at least you know that if she likes you, she really DOES like you.

Another great group of people are the people in my theatre group. We experienced so much together this year, all these weekends spent together rehearsing and not to forget our three performances, which probably are the reason why I bonded with quite a few of them. It's literally never boring when I'm with them and we had so much fun last school year, that I'm a part of our theatre group again, despite it being my senior year at high school.

I attended my first party this year. It was insane to me that people actually wanted ME to come, like that they genuinely liked me enough to invite me. And although I had my doubts about actually going, it was so much fun and I realized sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone pays off.

There were many more small moments like this that made me feel so loved. A peer driving me home after every single tennis training. A friend telling me she thinks I'm really caring about others. Hugs that lasted for what felt like a life time and that led us dancing around the room in pirouettes. Someone telling me I deserve to rest. Spending two hours eating ice cream and talking with my theatre group during summer break. Spending my birthday eating ice cream again and just talking for three hours straight.

I know I got worse again towards the end of the year. I know I neglected some friends for which I'm really sorry for. But I'm here again. I feel alive again. And I will try to fix what still can be fixed.

To end this point, I've met Julia in October. First off, her hugs are amazing but in addition to that we had so much fun trash-talking boys, discussing Taylor and the music industry with people in line for the Madeline Juno concert. And of course singing and dancing until our feet hurt. Julia, if you're reading this, I cannot wait to meet you again next year. I love you.

3. Love
Towards the beginning of the year, I tried to stay true to my resolution to try to stop looking for someone new to fall in love with. And to learn how to talk with boys normally. The second aspect eventually worked out but of course although I wasn't crushing on anyone really, I kept feeling like I was missing out by not being in a relationship with someone, especially since my closest friends all have a boyfriend.

In summer, at my summer job, I met this guy. He was tall and good looking and on top of that seemed really kind. And as unbelievable as it was to me, he actually enjoyed talking to me and getting to know me. I started feeling as if this was my chance. Maybe this time it would work out. It didn't though. And as much heartbreak I felt because of it, it truly brought me close to my goal than ever. Amidst this mess I realized, "Hey, I don't need a boyfriend. I've got amazing friends and I enjoy focusing on them and my education. I don't need him to fulfill me". A quiet realization inside of me. And though I continued to feel bad for quite a while and I couldn't truly escape the hole until two weeks ago, I feel like it's powerful. And I'm proud of myself.

4. General state of mind
About this time last year, I started raising my hand in my French and English class. And especially in French I'd say my participation has increased even more. Partly because of my French teacher (get you a teacher who supports your being as a Taylor Swift fangirl), partly because of myself I guess. I find the atmosphere of lessons to be less... devastating I guess. At one point during a lesson she even said "Not only Sarah should know the answers, you should, too!" and it made me feel so happy because it has been YEARS since a teacher actually complained about me raising my hand too many times compared to the others.

The past few months, however, the rate of my participation has diminished a bit again. Not because I was feeling afraid again but rather because I was so caught up in my sadness added on top of my stress because of exam time and senior year that I just didn't feel like talking in class was something I could do. And it wasn't on my mind, either, honestly.

I have this bad habit of piling my problems upon on myself as it's really hard for me to share my struggles with others. I guess this has to do with my past, too but anyways, I often feel like my feelings are a burden and keep them to myself which isn't healthy, at all. I'm trying to work on it though. I talked to Julia not that long ago and that already made me feel so much better.

Where am I heading? I truly don't know. There's this girl in my theatre group I really like but I don't know where that will lead to. 2018 is also the year I'll be graduating from high school and though I'm not as scared of it as I was at the beginning of this year, I still don't know - for the most part at least - what I'll be doing this time next year. Who will I be? Will I manage to stay in touch with at least some of my friends from school? Will I finally have a small plan?

All I know is that I did indeed achieve my resolutions. And I don't know, for next year, as I know how hard it will be anyways, I just hope I'll end up being happy with myself and my choices. No matter where they'll take me.

Continuing on the wild journey of finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

I was at my theatre rehearsal Friday afternoon and we did this sort of game but then again not. Now, I don't wanna dive head-deep into theatre theories and all that stuff but it's basically how generally there are four types of people: water, earth, fire and air people. And just as the elements, they have certain characteristics e.g. fire is constantly moving and loud etc. and when you play a role, it might help to kind of think about where you would place the character you're playing. Anyways, since we just started rehearsing our new play each one of us had to firstly place themselves where they think their personality fits (I placed myself more in the direction of water but a bit of air too as I'm air type af when it comes to things I'm passionate about). After that, we had to look at another person in our group and say if we think they placed themselves correctly or not. Funnily enough, people said I should move more in the direction of the earth type which tbh and if you really know me is nearly not me at all because a) I cannot keep still at all and b) am never cool or calm but rather just obsessively worrying about everything 24/7. And that kinda got me thinking about our perception of ourselves (as well as other people's perception of US but that's something I don't want to talk about that much in this post).

Today, as you might have seen on my tumblr, I spent some hours listening to old songs I absolutely ADORED during my childhood. Of course there were then also many memories arising and I began, again, to reassess how I view my "old" me (meaning who I was as a child continuing a bit until you-know-what happened in 2014).

And even though I already came to the realization that my childhood wasn't as perfect as I sometimes thought it was in hindsight, there were some new thoughts appearing.

Now I was already a bit the odd one out, I was kinda doing my thing, loving the things I loved and there were countless times (as I now remember) when people gave me shit about it, laughed about me, made fun of me etc. But somehow it never really stopped me from doing what I loved; I did it again and again and again. I didn't CARE what others thought of me because I was having the most fun of my life. And by doing so, I made tons of friends or acquaintances or whatever you want to call it. I guess the appeal was that no matter what happened, I nearly always remained optimistic and kind-hearted and welcoming.

Nowadays it's not as easy for me to just shake criticism or mean words off; they stick in my mind for weeks even MONTHS at times. And I'm wondering how that new me that is currently still evolving can newly learn that vulnerability and being yourself is okay and look at herself with full love again.

I'm still learning. And maybe it's good to reevaluate situations and moments and memories from time to time just to learn more about yourself and widen that limited perception about the person you are. And maybe if you are getting so sure about who you are as a person, other people's different perception won't bother you as much anymore as you know who you REALLY are.

Wishing you good luck on finding a way to perceive yourself correctly and hoping then you'll find a life of your own,

xxx Sarah

I woke up this morning with the words "less is broken" resounding in my mind. And I know this sounds crazy (especially since the phrase sounds grammatically wrong at first), but it felt strangely like a calling, as if I have to get these words and my thoughts out somehow and to do this on my blog just felt right. So here I am.

You probably already heard the phrase "less is more". I think this phrase exists in a lot of languages,at least it also does in German.

Wear less make-up. Laugh less. Talk less. Be less excitable. Show less interest. Basically be less like yourself.

And then whatever people you might want to appeal to will notice you, will like you.

What a flawed logic.

We pretend like "less" is a part of our well-meant advice, that it would help others out. We pretend it's an expression of our kindness towards others. Our empathy, maybe even. Maybe we once discovered if we handled things a certain way, others would like us more. Or maybe it is a trait that was already our own, that made our life more easier. And now we want to pass this so-called "knowledge" along to others.

Fuck that.

What we're essentially telling others when we give them the advise to be "less" is to be someone else then themselves. To change their passions, their likes and dislikes to please others. The term "less" is broken. We have used in all the wrong ways.

Why don't we tell people to express themselves however they want to? Why don't we say "be more of yourself, so much that you overflow with beauty and light"? Perhaps it's our wish that others are not as good as others.

We live in such a take-down culture. And I'm sick of it.

Be whoever you are. Don't try to please other people by changing your very being. If you feel like you have to, they aren't the right people after all. Love whatever you want to love, be passionate about whatever you are passionate about and don't ever try to dull any of it.

The right people will see your personality, and they will love you still. Maybe it's something I still have to ingrain into my mind and my heart and my body but I'll keep trying. Because I know it's worth getting there.

What's better than being able to let yourself be free?

Find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

ps: If you get told you have to change for the appeal of the opposite or the same gender, fuck that. You will never find happiness in a relationship this way. Be you, and you will find someone who's so excruciatingly themselves too, and you will be yourselves and be HAPPY together. I pinky promise.

A couple of days ago, I finished reading "Being Miss Nobody" by Tamsin Winter which is basically about an eleven-year-old girl who suffers from Selected Muteness, meaning in most situations she just cannot speak. Because of her illness, she faces a lot of difficulties especially at school and you kind of follow her journey through all of it. When I finished the book, one quote really stuck with me: "There's a time for being quiet, and there's a time for speaking up.". And I thought about it a lot, how I'm often afraid to voice my opinion and I thought "But why though? It's not as if I'm afraid people will judge me for who I am, at least mostly not anymore."

Then a situation of last week came into my mind. In our German lesson, we had to work in groups and the ones who are already quite good at essay writing (to which I somehow belong too) should team up with people who got more difficulties. So I got together with some friends of mine and we worked on interpreting a scene of a drama when one of them said "Sarah, I wish we could swap brains, I would never find that interpretation in the text!". And in my head I immediately went like "ohh you don't wanna live in my brain, it's a terrible, terrible place" but instead I wanted to express that I totally would in order to help her if I could but when I opened my mouth it sounded completely wrong, as if I'm arrogant and thinking I'm smarter than everyone anyways (which wasn't what I meant to say at all!). After that, I thought "wow, why do I even speak to others, it would be best to just Keep Quiet forever.

You see, the problem is always this (enjoy my crappy paintings I did on my laptop):



The thing is, when I'm thinking about what to say, I immediately connect it with feelings at the same time. Like I'll get a grasp of a thought and right away I'm like "okay this is supposed to express my sympathy (for example)" and then when the sounds come out of my mouth, I either stumble over words or misplace the order in such a way that my intended meaning is lost. Yes, always thinking in English and having to translate everything to German is also contributing to this problem, but I think it's rather a personality-wise problem.

How can I let people know what I actually mean? I don't know. Maybe by trying to show them through actions who I am. "Actions speak louder than words", most people say. But will they still be around to see my actions if they are already deterred by my words?

If I ever find an answer to that question, I will let you know. Until then, I hope you'll still be able to find a life of your own somehow.

xxx Sarah

As you might now, I was having some hard days scattered through the past few weeks. And as I mentioned in my last post on here, I kinda got into thinking about pain and wounds (also like I'm constantly trying to solve the mystery that is oneself and why I react to certain things the way I react).

And I was also thinking about how people like to judge other problems. If you ever told someone about your bad day you might've heard "Oh but others have it worse!" or "Chin up, there are worse things than that." and it just frustrates you since you feel like your problem is really important to you and it takes so much space up in your life but there they are, dismissing your sadness by comparing it to other people's. And I think whenever we do this, we do an injustice to others. As Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower put it:

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”

So only yesterday my best friend was at my house and we played some cards and suddenly got into talking about pain (due to a personal issue of my best friend) and the fact that she's currently avoiding the pain and putting it in a really far away corner of her brain with the result that she nearly forgot telling me about it. I said that I tend to do that a lot with everything I face, pain and problems likewise, but that it always turns out that my feelings will hit me even harder if I don't face them head on, so I'm currently trying to change that.

And it got me into thinking about pain and healing and what the best way to deal with it is.

As I said avoiding it is a bad option; it just makes sure that you carry it with you for much longer, that it tucks on your sleeve daily, just like a ghost. And then it haunts you and haunts you for years to come and while time passes, it's even harder to let go of it (at least in my experience).

I think part of why we don't want to deal with wounds head-on is because of course we're afraid of the pain but I also think that it brings a sense of vulnerability with it as you still have to go outside and do stuff and others will probably notice and then think you're weak or overly sensitive.

Nevertheless, as much as we are afraid of opening up to others and letting them see our hurt and our weakness, I think it  is important to talk about it. Yes, this may sound cliche and it also bringsa lot of fears and risks with it but here's what I've found: Part of the reason why I'm clean today (besides Taylor) is that I opened up about my genuine feelings about this whole situation in 2014 to a friend. I let her in on this not so nice side about myself that would surely repel a whole lot of other people but it helped. It made the hurt feel less significant, as if it was bearable and also it was a huge relief to be able to just message someone whenever I had a bad day and they would understand me, they would understand a bit how my mind works and maybe help me find ways to calm it down again.

Apart from that, and maybe most importantly, healing takes time. Don't beat yourself up 'cause you had a few bad days when you just decided it would get better.

Think of it like a really wound. Imagine you have cut your finger badly and it is bleeding. You're putting a band-aid on it to let it heal but maybe from time to time the injury breaks up and there's blood all over your hand and it looks really ugly but you know you can still continue mending it with another band-aid. And just as time passes, the cut will heal, eventually. But you have to be patient with it.

It's the same with pain. You may have some days or weeks when everything is feeling terrible again but you're moving and I will promise you, you will heal. It's an unavoidable consequence.

And maybe at the end of it all, you'll find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

I've got a problem. A problem with boys. It's not what you'd think though. It's not about me constantly meeting douchebags (though still... why @ life? A bit of an alternation would be nice for once), no it's a generally problem about my perception of guys.

So, you see, after everything that went down yesterday (you probably read it on my tumblr), I started thinking - and trust me, it's not as if I think this whole situation is my fault, it was rather a general reflection of every situation I've ever met with boys - that I somehow got trust issues opening up to any male person, to be honest.

Why?, I thought. I mean technically the only difference is the gender and maybe a bit the upbringing and the standards that are put upon them by society but still, why do I feel like every male person on this whole planet will eventually betray me and leave me in pieces?

I started reflecting upon my past. And then it hit me (and trust me, I am as sick as you are of always coming back to that point): It's because of everything that went down in 2014. See, the girls of my then-class were also included in the whole drama of it and quite frankly also played a major part in it, but it was rather a silent one which included whispering and rumors. In addition to that, I still had very good female friends so why should I question my own whole gender because of it?

But then there were those two boys in my class. Oh, how I hated them (and still do, though thankfully one of them has left our school like two years ago). Maybe it's in the nature of boys to just generally tend to voice their dislike of a person more loudly than girls do, but that's just what they did. They were the main reason for my self-loathing and my sadness because they did not shy away from making low-key nasty remarks about me in class that no teacher would ever understand nor recognize.

And maybe that's why today, every time I meet a new guy, I'm like "Don't tell him too much about you. He's gonna betray you, he'll end up destroying your life and making fun of you. He'll leave you heartbroken anyways." (upon that note, I also thought about the whole "you get what you give" phenomenon like maybe it is a little bit my fault that I'm always meeting fuckboys, I don't know). See, I don't even give most boys the CHANCE to get to know me properly because I'm so afraid of disappointment.

I think deep down I always realized that. But I have no idea how to change my behavior, to be honest as I have yet to meet a guy who is genuinely and sincerely interested in me. It's as if if I haven't got proof someone like that exists, I won't believe it. Dangerous, I know, but as I said, still hard to change so fast.

I hope someday I'll come across someone who accompanies me on my way to finding a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

If you know me, you'd know that I'm trying really hard to positive and optimistic as often as possible. I want to be so full of light that others feel happy, too. That's my aspiration.

But it does not always work out.

Today is such a day. Yesterday I was so happy, we finally got our huge project done which included a lot of stress and worrying and sleepless nights for me at least and I just felt happy because I dared to talk to teachers normally and be like overall more me than before. Yes, I also got some criticism for being such a control freak but I was okay with that as it's just a part of my persona, this wanting to do everything as perfect as possible.

I went home. And then I went to sleep. And then my mind started racing.

"Oh my god", it said, "Why did you ever even open your mouth today? You're so embarrassing. Everyone probably thinks you're annoying and does not want to hang out with you anymore."

Of course I know that these insecurities are probably only in my head. My mind sure does know that. But my thoughts still started spiraling. I tried to make them stop by falling asleep and it felt like I escaped them for a few hours, I was doing remotely fine at school but then I noticed that one of my teachers was in a bad mood and as I'm so hyper-sensitive it immediately projected onto my own mood, up to the point when I felt like crying or as if I had to do something, make something, touch something, anything literally, just to easy this feeling that was spreading deep in my bones.

The thing is, no one ever notices when I'm not feeling well. Maybe it's my fault, because I'm always just smiling and laughing even when I'm actually not feeling well. Don't ask me why; it just simply happens. And so it went unnoticed and now I'm at home and I can literally sense the bad days coming and I just wish someone would tell me how to stop this thought spiral, how to escape those inevitably dark days. I don't WANT to live through them. I am so sick of them.

And now I'm writing this out into the off. It helps; it eases the pain and the numbness a little bit. I just wish I could talk to someone in real life about it or that someone would care enough to want to actually know (I already talked about how I for whatever reason always expect people to notice). But I also know the burden that comes with it, how it makes or could make others feel to hear about my pain and problems and I don't want to be a cause for their unhappiness either.

So now I'm trapped. There are a hundred thoughts in my head right now. I wish I could let them free, open the gates of the cage and they would just fly out of my being and disappear into the nothingness.

They never do though.

I just wish someone would do anything. I have no idea what.

Maybe having problems with finding a life of your own is ok.

xxx Sarah

A while ago I read this book called "All the bright places" by Jennifer Niven (one of my favorite authors by the way - if you don't know her, definitely check her books out!). Overall I absolutely adored the book but one particular thing sticks in my mind up until this day, nearly one and a half years later. Finch, one of the protagonists of the novel, has a bipolar disorder yet her refuses to go to a therapist to get it checked and have his mental illness be official. Why? He is afraid of treated differently by others. By that, he means that people will avoid him because he has a mental illness or they will think of him as insane because of his particular disorder.

And that really resonated within me.

You see, there are all sorts of stereotypes in our society. It's even more plainly visible if you take a look at a school, a grade, or even more specifically a class. There are the cool ones, the popular ones, the quiet ones, the weird ones and so on.

I myself would probably be one of the quiet ones; I do not participate that much in class and I enjoy spending my time at home rather than going out (well, actually, this also has to do with me being an introvert but that's another discussion).

As you see, it's pretty easy to decide to break down a person into one fraction and say that is their whole being. But it's dangerous I think. (the following example in this case is me, just because I know myself best and rather shy away from judging others too much)

I personally am of course quiet and more what you'd call shy in class due to past experiences that I already explained many times on here. I do not deny that this is a part of who I am as a person. However, oftentimes people take that small tiny fraction of my life and project it onto my whole persona. And sometimes it truly frustrates me as I think this treatment is very unfair. Sometimes I feel like everyone purposefully ignores the fact that I am very open-minded to new people and most of the time approach strangers more easily than you think. I'm also someone who makes friends pretty fast and I do talk a TON. Just not in this particular situation most people meet me in.

Yes, of course I cannot expect of e.g. teachers to know more about me than my behavior in class. Nevertheless, what I am able to expect is people appreciating that this is not my whole being, that there is more to me than what's on the surface.

I can apply that to other people, too. The popular ones aren't always just cool and easy-going, sometimes they, too, have deep thoughts and are actually very smart, the weird ones might be showing themselves off this way to only attract the right people, to easily see who truly matters. It's just not something visible at the first glance. But sadly most people fail to look closer and let their prejudices stop themselves from truly great experiences and different insights.

What I want to say with this I guess is that my wish for the future is that everyone tries being a little more empathetic. Showing others that yes, there might be stereotypes but I won't generalize you to that. (maybe this would also add to diminishing the stigma around mental illnesses for example, as people would maybe be more open and honest with their own if they knew others would not judge them for it).

Be a little more empathetic. That's all the world needs sometimes. Help others find a life of their own.

xxx Sarah

OK, I have to admit, I occasionally stalk people I know in real life on social media. OKAY, I will also admit that I'm doing it 24/7 at the moment but that has reasons and they will probably fade away soon enough.

Anyways, as I said, I'm currently really checking out what people are liking, especially on instagram. So the other day I was scrolling down this page and I see that a friend of mine liked a text post. Naturally, I click on it (yes, I am a bit annoyingly curious but most of the time I'm just worried whether people I care about are doing okay). I read through it and I think about the text and the person who liked it and I think back and remember certain things I have never talked about but thought are really important to share, so that's what I'm doing today.

To further explain my point, I might have to explain what sort of impression you get of her (my friend) as soon as you meet her. Seeing her, she appears pretty confident. She does not hold back with her opinion, even if it is controversial and she always seems to know where she's headed and what she wants.

So of course you'd guess: How could someone like that be insecure about anything?

The truth is, everyone of us has insecurities. Some of us are just better at hiding them.

It's the same with her. Now, she is/was incredibly nervous when she has/had to give a presentation. Like she'd stumble upon her words and all that and every teacher is usually like "How can a girl who's that confident have so many problems with speaking in front of the class?". I often walk home with her and after a day on which she had to present something, we kinda started talking about this and she was really opened up about all of it (which is really admirable I think!). I don't want to talk about the details even though she doesn't know about this blog, just because I think it is her own right to tell others. But to summarize it, her insecurities display heavily when everyone is watching her talking whereas she usually downplays them/covers them up (by the way: she got really better at this whole thing last school year and I am really proud of her to be honest).

Even more so, it confused me when I saw the post she liked on instagram, speaking about how everyone else is having so much fun in their teenage years while she's just being miserable 24/7. Not surprised because she also had really bad days - I mean we all do. But because she, out of all people, is comparing herself.

Don't get me wrong, I did that myself. But I thought maybe if she was conscious of how actively she is covering up her flaws and insecurities, she would understand that nearly everyone does. Everyone has problems and regrets and cries themselves to sleep sometimes. People just choose which side of them they want to present to the outer world and naturally, it's usually the best because who wouldn't want people to think fondly of them? It's like Taylor said: You see others highlight reel and your own behind-the-scenes and of course you start thinking "oh wow my life must suck". It's not only applicable to the internet, no, it's also something that happens in real life.

I guess what I want to say with all of this is: You're not alone. There are people out there who are going through the same pain, maybe closer to you than you think. And that's beautiful, isn't it? Because those same people will understand you if you reach out for them. They will get what you're going through. And if you haven't found them yet - well, keep searching. You got this. You are never alone.

And if you ever feel like you are, feel free to come to this blog or message me. I hope you know you deserve to find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

Have you ever heard something along the lines of "I would totally date her/him because she's/he's so good looking but her/his character freaks me out"? Even if you did not, you probably still get where I'm coming from.

One of society's main thing to do, is to judge. Whether to look down upon people who do not fit their ideal of "beauty" or in the opposite case, giving others chances as they are good looking and therefore some sort of great recognition label for a company for example. It's a bit like a status symbol. If you look like that and wear those clothes, you'll be respected. If not, get away and search for something else.

This is a bit drastically speaking as a lot of ideals and opinions have changed over the course of the last few years and the sexism both males and females are facing is getting a bit less (though not entirely disappearing).

However, it has always affected me in some kind of way (though not how you might think).

I did indeed have a phase when I was insecure of my body: my legs, my belly, my face. I compared myself all the time. But this was never my main issue somehow. I resolved it a long time ago (speaking of body positivity, something's incoming about that, too soon).

Well, everything is fine you would guess. I am comfortable in my body, I don't think I'm ugly and therefore hating myself.

My issue is a different one though.

I have always been anxious about what people might think about my character. Now, to understand this, I have to go a bit back in time.

There were a lot of occasions during which people made fun of the way I am. And because they did, I started usually lying about this things when meeting new people. Because they could reject me.

I am a huge lover of singing in the car for example. I never held back about it, I even sang when I was driving with friends just because I really really enjoyed it. Until my best friend in second grade said it was weird and you should not do it. So I stopped. I only do it privately now. With my family, that's all. When others burst out their favorite songs, I sit in the corner, smiling awkwardly.

When I was bullied, it was due to a characteristic people thought I had. And it was the worst for me. How do you prove you're different if people don't let you? And somehow along the way I might have decided that it's best to keep certain things to myself.

Recently I also noticed that I only lie if it could affect people's view of me. If they could see me as less perfect or less cool or less funny or less smart. I'm a bit of an egoist in that way. The facade needs to be clean shaved, no bruises or bumps or holes or scars and I'd rather blame someone else for my own mistakes that owning up to them.

Maybe that's also why it hurts me twice as much when I notice that people, especially boys, only like me for my appearance. Like here I am, trying to put my way of being out there and immediately getting rejected as soon as someone gets a glimpse of how crazy I actually am. Like what's the point of looking good if no one ever dares to stay?

I just... I don't know, wish someone would for once see my soul and stay. See it as something flawed but at the same time lovable. See me as a whole human-being and deciding that I'm worth more than some flirty text messages.

But that's the thing with wishes, isn't it? They nearly never come true.

Still confused about trying to find a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

As I do it a lot, I spent a huge amount of time today stalking people on instagram as one of the people from my class posted something - so naturally I checked who liked her picture. I stumbled upon a long list of ex-friends/people I've just outgrown due to distance when I saw a familiar name pop up.

Wait. This is the guy I had a crush on in fifth grade.

Of course I stalked the heck out of his page and looked at his photos ten thousand times (although my bff of course keeps me up-to-date with the out and abouts of my old class). And it initiated something: A kind of throwback to all the guys I ever had a "crush" on as a kid.

When I was in kindergarten and I was still convinced (like I kind of am today - although it's not possible and I know that) that you could just pick out a boy who seemed remotely nice, like him, he'll like you back and that's it. Maybe I've watched too many movies back then or I read too many books in elementary school. Anyways , there was this boy called P (obviously his name is longer, but I don't want anything to slip through to anyone) and he was my first and I think ever male friend. Of course little Sarah thought "You can't be friends with a guy without being in love with him!" (funny enough still a thing that clings onto me today although I also know that is completely dumb). So when we entered elementary school, I was willing to have a crush on him. However, it turned out that he was an asshole who did everything his buddy told him (who I was mutual enemies with) so he ended up annoying the f out of me so I just stopped talking to him.

Then of course, I needed to fill up that space, so a few days into elementary school, I feel for this guy who perfected the Justin Bieber hairstyle already in first grade. At that time, I also watched Pokémon and you might remember how attractive Brock turned whenever he met a girl he liked? Yeah, you know kinda know what that boy looked like or who I made him up to be. Unfortunately, a "friend" of mine quickly spilled the secret to him when we were doing a group project and he proceeded to ignore me. Did that stop me from liking him? Nope.

This even got to the point that I actually wrote my first and only love letter to him (an ugly drawing and some cheesy line like "you are the best person on this whole entire world) and sneaked it into his mailbox with my mum on Valentine's Day (I know it can barely get any cheesier than that). He ignored that, too, up until he told some guys in my class in 5th grade and they started making fun of me for it. That was the glorious end to this story.

However, as I already said, I always needed someone to fill the void so I took it upon me to fall for one of the only guys in my class who knew about the love letters but still treated me in a friend sort of way. On top of that, he was really funny and I just really liked that back then. He was the only person, apart from P, who was kind of a male friend to me (although, you've seen the pattern, I destroyed that with my "crush" too).

I was pretty open about my secrets back then so I told some friends, and one of them was like the most popular girl in our class. She asked me if she could tell him, and I said she could do that after the last day of school because we would be moving anyways so I wouldn't have to face him. As always, things don't always turn out the way you plan and she went up to him the following day. Now, bear in mind that I did not find that out until like two months after I left because my bff eventually told me. So when we went to the cinema with our class and coincidentally sat next to each other and his hand was so close to me and sometimes brushed my arm or my leg, I was of course all happy and bubbly. During the break in the movie (this isn't even a thing nowadays anymore) he asked me if I had a crush on somebody. Taken aback, my bff and I invented some ridiculous story about a violet cactus and had a lot of fun. Things got even weirder when he hugged me out of nowhere on our last school day (hugging also wasn't a thing back then). It all got me optimistic he liked me, too. We texted for a while after I left but stopped eventually and I found out the truth and then distance put the last thing on top of the reasons why I stopped liking him that way.

What's the moral of the story? (besides my inability to have a real crush on people or being friends with a male person or differentiate between a meaningless crush and real love)

I don't really know, maybe just that things go on, you learn more along the way and you can only learn from past experiences. And also that so many things play a role as to why you're the person you're today and you can't control it, as well as I can't control who I'm going to be in ten years, or even twenty.

Making mistakes is a part of life and maybe it's wrong of myself to be scared to open myself up to people just because of these bad memories. Well, maybe I'll somehow learn how to. Until then, I hope my mistakes in life and love help me to find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

I don't know about you but I'm a frantic daydreamer. Wherever I go, whether I do it on purpose or not, I make up scenarios in my head. What would happen if I did this? What if the other person reacted like this? What could happen? The possibilities are endless.

And the great thing about daydreaming is that it's all in your head. You don't have to live with the consequences. Maybe you can also avoid some consequences by playing it through, thinking about possible ways to handle the situation and choosing the best one.

However, those scenarios barely ever work out in real life. In real life, there's other people with a different set of traits, different experiences, and therefore a different way to react than you might think. Sometimes you wish it weren't like that, that you could avoid pain and hurt by just moving everyone around like chess figures. But it would be kind of depressing after a while, wouldn't it? I think one of the best things about life is the unpredictability of it.

Don't get me wrong, it does happen that your daydream becomes reality in some kind of way, it also happened to me a few times. And just because I thought about this scenario already, it doesn't make the memories less captivating.

But what I recently found to be problematic about it is that it's also a way of running away from reality. Sometimes we get so caught up in our thoughts, we miss what's happening in front of us. We're not participating, as Charlie (The Perks Of Being A Wallflower) would say.

"And I know these will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs and we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening."
“You'd rather make up a fantasy version of somebody in your head than be with a real person.”

Have you ever kept a letter? Maybe a love letter or something a dear friend of yours have written or even just a postcard? Have you locked it in a box or tucked it in a corner for years and years to read it again and again when you're having a nostalgic day?

I keep literally everything in a big folder in my book shelf. It was once a binder full with sheets of a brand that was pretty popular when I was a kid (for all my fellow German readers: Did you also collect tons of Diddl sheets? In elementary school we literally turned it into a trading thingy) but then I started writing to pen pals so I had to re-purpose it. Over time, a lot of letters were added, those of my internet best friend, postcards or letters my elementary school best friend and I wrote at home and traded at school up until we started a whole sort of clique in which we mostly traded said letters.

Sometimes I read through them again (especially all the drama - if only I knew what was still up for me). Of course I notice the pages and the ink slowly wear off the more I read through them. And it makes me kind of sad - what if all these memories are someday just gone?

But that's the thing with memories - they wear off, they fade away and sometimes we forget even the best moments we ever had just because they were replaced by, well, just better ones. Or we feel such a distance that we cannot remember the feeling anymore.

I got that with a lot of people my younger self would say I had a crush on. What did it feel like? What made me like them? What were those special moments I clung onto at night? Why does it feel so irrational to ever have fallen for that person?

Whenever it hits me, I feel a bit sad. Because I realize: Feelings fade, too. And sometimes you just want to forget how special someone made you feel but over time, all of it loses its spark and you feel alienated from your feelings.

I don't want to forget the freedom I felt as a kid, running around on our lawn, dancing and singing and building tree houses in the woods and doing pranks on our neighbors - only to ring the bell and leave them some flowers to make them smile. I don't want to forget the way it felt when we moved here, how it was all exciting and new, I want to be able to remember those moments when I felt like I truly belonged somewhere - the list goes on and on.

But maybe there's also something comforting to it. Because even if you feel like you'll never get over this loss, or this heartbreak or that version of yourself you once lost - it will pass. As everything does in life. Maybe I'll just wake up one day and won't remember him. Or one day I might have find my purpose in life along the way.

It can happen. It happens. I barely remember 2014, aka the worst year of my life, anymore. Not because the lessons I learned are not important, but more because I found my place and I learned to love myself so the words they used to hurt me don't mean anything to me anymore.

Isn't it beautiful? How we cling to feelings and memories as if they were our favorite teddy bear but at the same time we sometimes can't wait to let them go?

I think there's something extraordinary about it. About life, how it all works out in the end. And someday, even if you can't remember certain things, you'll find a life of your own without them (and maybe you'll someday meet someone from your elementary school class again - and you'll just talk about life and laugh at the good old times).

xxx Sarah

Giving up. It seems easy, doesn't it? Just putting all the problems aside. Saying "whatever, it'll happen the way it'll happen. I can't influence anyway.".

Don't get me wrong. It's okay to sometimes give up, especially when you notice that e.g. holding on to a person hurts you or constantly drains your energy without you ever really getting anywhere or the other person acknowledging your efforts.

On the other hand, you could also fight. For your dreams. For something you truly believe in. For something that you know will make life better for you.

Or even simpler. Fighting to win your life back. Fighting your way back to happiness. To confidence.

I am fighting, every day. Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes I just have to wake up and I'm in a good mood and I feel like I can take on the world with confidence. Like everything will be alright anyways. On these days, I just live my life like a normal 16-year-old would. Nothing too special about that, and the need and the aspiration to fight is tucked away in a far away corner of my brain.

Other days are not so simple. Bad days. Don't get me wrong, I hate them. I hate this empty feeling in my chest. I hate being close to crying. I hate listening to sad music on repeat. I hate overthinking. And over-worrying. I hate ranting to others about my feelings, but I feel like I have to or else I would combust of feelings.

But still, there's also some beauty in it in my opinion. Like I said, on usual weekdays I forget about my own inner strength, it's just something I don't think of.

However, on said bad days, it's pushed back into my mind.

I used to always let the emptiness fill me up on these days, indulging in it, feeling it up to my fingertips. A way out? Not possible.

Today, whenever I'm feeling down or sad, I am indeed still sad - because you need to feel the pain in order to heal - but at the same time I almost always immediately remember: "Hey, this feeling will pass again. There will be better days again. Don't give up yet. There's still so much beauty to see. So many amazing people to meet. So many emotions to be felt.". And even though that doesn't make all the bad feelings just fade away, it reminds me of my strength. I got through so many rainy days. I will get through this one, too. I will get up tomorrow, and make the best of the day. Because it CAN be a good day again, I WILL be able to laugh and to smile again. I just have to open myself up to it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the medicine to all your problems, especially if you have an mental illness. But a bit of optimism in some situations of your life doesn't hurt. It actually clears the way for some of the best memories you'll ever make.

And when you get back on experiencing more and more brighter days again, you may stop and look around and realize you actually found a life of your own along the way.

xxx Sarah

Have you read Harry Potter? If yes, you probably know all about the infamous invisibility cloak. If not, here's a quick resume.

So Harry Potter is celebrating his first Christmas at Hogwarts when he gets a mysterious gifts from an anonymous giver (which later turns out to be Albus Dumbledore, headmaster at Hogwarts). As he opens the gift, he discovers a cloak which he decides to put on. And just like that, he finds out that this cloak has the power to make him invisible which is really useful for his upcoming adventures as he gets to sneak around places without anyone noticing.

Why I'm talking about this? Well, I found that I'm hiding under one, too. Not like Harry for the purpose of secretly finding things out, no, more to protect myself. Or maybe just because that's how I am.

At school, for example, I'm always quiet, at least in class. And while teachers do in fact ask me questions sometimes, it's not like I'm a huge contribution to their lessons or as if it would bother them that much if I weren't there. Yes, yes of course that's a bit harsh and maybe not entirely true, but I often feel like I'm the student that's barely even noticeable, kind of like a ghost whose existence is okay but not something or someone you'd keep in mind, just cause like, as I said, I'm quiet and therefore fading into the background.

I did not even think about this as much up until I was asking myself why I like my French teacher so much, considering that I've never really had like this number one favorite teacher in my life.

And I figure it's because she chooses to go beyond my invisibility cloak, beyond the wall I put up during class because lessons and participating and all of that still frighten me a lot (something like a traumatic experience I guess that led to this - but I already talked about that). What I mean by that is that she doesn't treat me like an easily breakable person. I mean, I am getting emotional very fast, I'm not denying this in any way. However, it's nice to be treated as a normal person rather than a broken soul.

For instance, she makes as many snark/funny remarks about me as she does about any other person in this class and as crazy as that sounds it makes me feel validated because I'm not excluded from her jokes (which are hilarious by the way).

In addition to that, she doesn't/didn't pressure me into participating in class. Yes, she told me it would help but she never pulled the "if you don't raise your hand your grade will drop drastically"-card, something that every other teacher shoved into my face. And that actually worked. I finally started participating in a subject so that at the end of my first semester she told me that I start to kind of unfreeze and that she thinks I'm able to participate even more. And it made me happy.

Of course there are other reasons why I feel so comfortable in her class, like her sense of humor (which often helped me smile again even if the day was terrible so far) or the fact that she respects every student and tries to understand all of us and she really does a great job at this.

What I want to say with all of this is that it is nice to have places I can put down my invisibility cloak, even if it's not that often at the moment. But I certainly feel like I can push forward from here and someday dump it totally. And then maybe find a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Vulnerability.

What do you think of when you read this word?

Weakness? Embarrassment? Wrong?

If yes, don't worry, you're not alone with this. In fact, our society is build up of many, many people (I'm not saying everyone's like that) who think that vulnerability is a flaw that they have to erase out of themselves. That showing emotions is bad. And not only do many prohibit themselves from doing so, no, they also look down on and laugh at people who cry often or don't have that "everything is fine, all the time" smile on their face.

Don't show your hurt. Pretend you don't care. Fake it until you make it. Those are sayings that are so known in our society that we never even question them anymore.

Let me give you a few examples of how this is noticeable.

So, there are a few girls in my grade who are really sensitive. Being like that, they cry a lot, I would even say at least once a week. And people judge them for it. They say "They're crying over nothing" or "They should get over themselves". And although them being emotional over some things might seem to be ridiculous to some of us, that does not mean it's our right to look down on them for it. We don't know what's going on in their lives.

Another example. Last year, one of the students at our school tragically died in an accident during our fall break. When school started again, the first day was a bit different but we still had lessons. Our maths teacher knew the student really well and he was terribly sad over the loss of him. And he started crying. I myself just felt really sorry for him but I was astonished when I talked to a "friend" of mine later who judged him for showing tears, saying that "Men should not cry". Why though? Why should men have to bottle their emotions up, destroying themselves in the process? Why are we so keen on demolishing female stereotypes while at the same time clinging to male stereotypes?

Lastly, in our last French lesson, I immediately noticed that our French teacher was kind of... sad, I think that would describe it best. When I walked home with my friend (who I really like actually but) she told me that she also saw our teacher downtown on Wednesday and that she was sitting in a cafe and crying and said "She also seems to be crying easily and a lot". She didn't even say it in a accusing tone but it immediately came across to me like that. Maybe because since I was little, I was shown by the media that women, nor men should show their tears, at least if they want to seem mature.

Crap, I say.

What's the point of "faking it until you make it"? The only thing that will happen is that you destroy yourself. Because at some time, your emotions will have to blow up and then you aren't capable of handling them anymore because they piled up to a huge mountain of pain.
Taylor Swift once said: "[talking about the song Clean] And it kind of talks about how if you really allow yourself to feel pain, I think maybe it’s easier to get past it. For most people that I’ve known who’ve fought through struggle, a lot them who have really just faced the pain head on have come out OK a lot faster than the ones who just pretended to be in denial of it."

I wish we would take that advice to heart. And I wish we would stop judging people for showing emotions, for being vulnerable. Because in the end, vulnerability is what makes us human the most. And we should not be ashamed to display our feelings.

Maybe vulnerability just helps you to grown and to eventually find a life of your own.

xxx Sarah

So this is it. The great two years mark. Wow. If anyone would've ever told me in 2014 I would be able to be content with my life for so long, I would've called them crazy. Me? The overthinker and overworrier? Content for two years? Not falling back into the black hole again? No way.

Yet here I am. Two Years. Writing those words down already feels weird.

One year ago, on this day, I talked about how it all came together. You can find the post here. You can also read up my story here.

Today, however, I wanted to focus on the aspects that have changed in my life. I think it's good to sometimes stop to think about how far you've come and what you achieved. For the sake of this, I started writing things down about a week ago that occurred to me, so that I wouldn't forget anything.

"When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe."

I'm not denying that up to today, I'm still shy, especially when it comes to situations in class (I'll talk about that later). But one thing that has drastically changed is the number of people I have the pleasure of calling my friends.
Often, when I'm walking home with someone or just making jokes in class or someone says or does something that shows that they genuinely care about me, I suddenly start thinking "Wow I'm so grateful for experiencing this.".
This actually happened just today, when I was about to do my presentation in French. You have to know that I am terrified right before talking in front of the class and my whole body is shaking etc. But what happened, and for me it's something I genuinely appreciate, is that people that have become my friends over the past few months, started cheering me on. They were like "Sarah you can do this!" or "Don't be nervous, you'll be great!". And although that didn't stop my hand from shaking, it soothed my soul. These people are supporting me, no matter if I'm not perfect. And that is one of the greatest things I ever got to experience in my life.
And as I said, I get along really well with a lot of people of my grade. Some even invited me to a party! This is truly insane. I'm not at the same level of people I call friends as I was before we moved here. And that is not to say that I'm counting numbers and measuring my self worth by it, but that it shows how far I've come. But I don't want it to be like before. This time I'll be more empathetic and kind and loving. Everyone deserves kindness.

"When the butterflies turned to dust, that covered my whole room."

One thing I just recently noticed is that I care so little about other people's (negative) opinion about me anymore. Once, Taylor said during one of her clean speeches that "you're not the opinion of someone who doesn't know about you or cares about you." and I've really taken this advice to heart. Don't get me wrong, I still notice when people clearly don't like me, but it doesn't clatter up my day or my entire week if they don't. I'm still overthinking a lot but this fear of being rejected by people I barely know has diminished so much that I don't even think about it anymore.

"Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

I still have some bad days. They usually happen during my PMS but I don't want to blame all of it on my body because I know that the reasons why I am sad are still valid. My internet best friend (who also reads this blog - hi!) once told me that during bullying, there are certain connections that are formed in our brain and that's why I - and she, too - are sometimes having those down days.
But I'm able to handle it. I either write a blog post or talk about it on tumblr and you guys always cheer me up when I'm down. Another thing I am incredible thankful for,

"I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."

I'm still a bit fed up with what people expect of me. Because I come across as shy as you first get to know me, I sometimes lock myself into that role and act like it because I feel like this is what people WANT to see me be like in some sort of weird way. But I'm getting there, slowly, but I do.
I started participating in French and in English, while I could barely raise my hand not that long ago. And even if no one else besides me sees my process because the steps are so little, I won't stop. And if I'm doubting that, you are one of the first ones to remember me of my worth. Thank you.

"Now that I'm clean, I'll never gonna risk it. I think I am finally clean."

I am fascinated with the line "It was the night things changed; can you see it now?" during Change (hence my tumblr blog title). Because even though two years ago I barely noticed anything had changed, I do now. And I'm incredibly thankful for this journey.

I won't quit. I want to make Taylor and most importantly myself proud.

This is a reminder for each and everyone of you. You are loved and important. You can get through this dark time of your life. The strength has always been within you, even if you can barely recognize the light that's a part of your every fiber being.

Keep going. And trust your heart.

And most importantly, thank you. For liking my posts when I was sad, for sending me messages - anon or not - or for saying that you are proud of me. You are as much of a part of this journey as I am.

And Taylor - never ever stop being you. You are an inspiration for so many people. I will never not love you, I pinky promise.

Finding a life of my own,

xxx Sarah

I just got home from my gymnastics class. Today, we had to try out doing a front handspring and we were supposed to try that out on the ground first. So our teacher asks "Who wants to start?" and as always, none of us made a move. So she was like "Oh Sarah! Do you want to try it out?". I did in the end but just because I felt like I had to do it. Then we went on to practice it on the trampoline (while our lesson was already almost over) and again, she asked me to do it. And I don't know, it just kinda caught me off guard as I don't see myself as a really good gymnast actually and half of the lessons I catch myself being like "Oh, I don't think I'm able to do this." or "You are way better at this than I am!".

Another thing that I've noticed lately is that this boy I know may or may not have a crush on me. I'm not saying that he actually does because I'm usually terrible at reading the signs but just the possibility immediately made me think "Oh, he deserves better than me, like this terrible awkward me, that me that seems to always mix things up or does things wrong." instead of going like "Well, I'll just tell him that I don't have any feelings for him if he ever asks me.", something a usual human being would do.

So all of it got me thinking if I still don't see myself as worthy of love or worthy at being one of the best at something.

Don't get me wrong, of course I know that I, like every human on this planet, is worthy of love and joy and happiness. I know this fact. But it's a whole other thing to let it settle in your bones, to feel it with every ounce of your being.

Maybe it all relates back to the time I was bullied. I think that constantly getting the feeling that you're worthless or just experiencing that you're worth nothing more than snickering or whispers changes you forever. You just accepted it as the truth, and getting out of it seems nearly impossible, even when you're feeling better again, when you're finally clean.

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of falling back into that black hole of self-loathing and hate while the brighter side just seems to be hidden. And it's not necessarily because I had a bad day, it actually appears to me more when I'm having a pretty normal day. It's as if the darkness lures beneath my very skin.

And when I get confronted with expectations - which happens a lot because I'm a quite good student - I just feel helpless or like I don't deserve the recognition I'm getting.

For instance, in our last politics exam, I had the best mark of our whole grade. As rewarding as it first feels, it got me panicking shortly after when I realized that our teacher now expects me to do just as well in our next exam (which is in one week). To illustrate that, my thoughts practically look like this "Why does my teacher even like me? I'm not deserving of that. I'm not good at politics, I'm just studying well and then I've got a bit of luck and stuff like in the first exam happen. But I know this luck won't last." (amplified by the feeling that I'm actually dumb).

It sounds wrong, I know. Well, I certainly know that feeling this way is wrong. But that doesn't mean that I'm just able to get better right away. You can't just delete the awareness that you're worthless.

But maybe you can try, step by step. And maybe I'll have climbed this mountain one day. And I'll realize that along the way, I found a life of my own.

xxx Sarah

Yesterday I hung out with some people I don't really know that well but it was sort of a group thing I guess. So as always, there were those that are just a bit more than complete strangers to me so naturally I kept quiet for most of the evening as I just don't immediately feel comfortable around new people.

Anyways, they were talking about rumors concerning who's flirting with who in the group and a bunch of them was getting ready to go off to that party I'm pretty sure at least half of my grade also went to. And as per usual, it got me thinking.

A) Maybe I'm not ready for love yet. I already mentioned this quite a few times, not necessarily on here but more on my tumblr. I don't know, like the way people my age handle relationships is just not how I would deal with it and maybe that's a bit of my own fault. Like what if I just have way too high expectations when it comes to love?

B) Comparing myself to others (I know, I know, you shouldn't ever do this but it's hard to stop yourself right), I am in fact a pretty boring person. I like being at home, I get nearly all my school work done and I'm a pretty ambitious student, I like reading and listening to music on my own. I don't like partying, I mean I still want to try it out some time but I feel like it won't be something that'll fulfill my life like it does to most of my peers (actually last time I wanted to go, I had a pretty sort of panic attack that ended up resulting in a post on here but well... it just happens). I also spend a lot of time thinking about stuff so you'd think I would get along well with people who are into philosophy for example but I just can't voice my thoughts at all, all I'm able to do is write them down as you see on here. Moreover, I enjoy doing child-like things like singing and dancing and watching cheesy movies and crying a bit (or even better: watching Disney movies and crying a lot).

So anyways, I felt a bit... let's say weird yesterday and before I went to bed, I made the decision to post something on here with the title "what it's like being boring".

Wait, you might say. But this isn't the actual title.

You're right. I changed it up a bit.

The reason for that is that I'm currently catching up on the YouTube videos I missed, and I saw that Savannah Brown (I talked about her before on here) uploaded a new poem so naturally, I got really excited and clicked on it right away. The title was "couldn't care more" and as I was listening to it, I realized more and more that she's talking exactly about the issue I had just the day before.

How I felt like a weirdo and what others might call a boring person. And the words started shifting something inside me somehow. It's hard to describe, you just have to listen to it.

But I wanted to close this post with some of the last lines of her poem.

"the cool kids love ferociously
stay up late because they want it just right
they are hungry for more and will not be silenced
the cool kids care about people. about poetry. about science. about art
they’re not embarrassed of the moments that make their nerves burn
the cool kids are not ashamed that they are different; they shout it"

A few weeks ago, I was in the cafeteria of our school during lunch break. I've just gone to the bathroom and when I came back, a friend of mine sat on my chair. Being as annoying as I sometimes am, I told her to move and another friend was like "Sarah, you're always worrying to much about nothing!"